August 9, 2015

Domina101 Tip”

“It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.” – Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper

That depends on the type of person you are and who you’re dealing with. Ask yourself:

Do you prefer to TRUST someone to ask your permission to do something you may say no to, or do you prefer to TRUST that someone will apologize (or make amends) for doing something you didn’t want them to do?

Trust, after all, is the main dynamic in the D/s relationship and in all relationships of all kinds.

Before I go further, I offer this for your consideration: When you search that quote and the multitude of egocentric variations that you’ll find, be aware that:

(1) This quote is used for THE most selfish, turd-tards to excuse their offenses; and

(2) It’s stupid to adopt this philosophy because there are scary people out here…

Read on…

One of the most important things a Domme (or anyone) can know to improve Domain Maintenance is whether you are a Forgiveness person or a Permission person. The difference between these two personality characteristics is truly like night and day.

A Permission person, like Me, requires you to ask before doing. While I’ve been accused of being a Type A personality, control-freak (usually by the idiots who thought they were smarter than they are and failed to manipulate Me), I am a thinker and a planner. I intensely dislike wastes of My time. As anyone knows who takes even a glimpse at My Websites can see, I carefully, clearly, and thoroughly detail exactly what I wish to convey. I make things easy for people who are not lazy and careless to succeed with Me.

I really do know what I want and am very specific about exactly how I am and how I want things in My Domain. If an error is made, I accept My responsibility for it. If you make the error without asking My permission, you diminish your value to Me because it takes too much unnecessary work for Me to forgive you for disrespecting My Process. While I make it a point to “do forgiveness,” (you should read this) I don’t guarantee that offenders will not suffer. Just saying.

It’s a mistake when someone decides that they:

(1) are going to do what they want and that I’ll get over it. No, I get over you and dismiss you from My Domain – never to return. Understand that I have banished blood relatives for offending Me, so no one is exempt from this choice.;

(2) know better than I do about what I really want. No, I carefully think, research, and plan accordingly before I express My wishes. I’ll add that, unlike most people, I take into consideration the well-being of others involved in the scenarios and ask them appropriately. So, I intensely dislike people making (usually half-azzed) decisions for Me when they can easily ask Me; and/or

(3) try to play the victim to avoid their responsibility for offending Me. That’s a stupid move that never works – never “play victim” with a Sadist! You won’t like the torture.

A Forgiveness person is usually someone who says, “make it happen,” or “you handle it.” Sometimes, these people have specific rules for you, but if they don’t, they prefer to deal with situations after the fact. Forgiveness people are more easily satisfied with apologies where Permission people may need a lot more convincing that you’re sorry – you will have to prove yourself. Forgiveness people are apt to give you more chances where Permission people, like Me, have very strict limits and We tell you what they are at the beginning of Our relationships. Permission people feel disrespected by your audacity to take matters in Their Domains into your own hands on your terms. It’s never good to offend Us.

It is My experience that Forgiveness people often find themselves feeling taken advantage of because, sadly in this day and age, selfishness and self-absorption are the modus operandi for the majority. Most of the letters I receive for Ask Mss Didi* advice are from Dommes whose trust and kindness have been betrayed.

Equally important, is knowing what type of person you’re dealing with. The Forgiveness submissive may actually be a “brat” who gets off on causing you distress just to gain excusal for his behavior – until the next time, and to see how much further he can go. I find these creatures contemptible. The Permission sub can go overboard by needing your permission for everything, which can be annoying. Permission subs can also struggle with topping from the bottom because they have their own issues with giving permission to others.

While every Domme has Her own way of managing Her Domain, knowing which type of person YOU are will assist your training processes so that you are not drained and disappointed. While We all encounter the “usual suspects” of fakers-takers-shakers-noise-makers, knowing how you operate is a strong tool for maintaining your sanity as well as your Domain. It is easier to design appropriate strategies for peaceful Domain maintenance.

ADDENDUM AUGUST 12, 2015

A Personal Tip

One of My Training Tools — for submissives as well as for My own success — is to regularly review PURPOSE:

1. What My Purpose for the person is in My Domain;
2. How the person’s desires fit in with Mine; and
3. Does the person warrant the amount of training effort I extend.

I often see Dominants “working the whining” game — coddling, fighting, etc., less than compliant behaviors from people claiming to serve Them and, in essence, enabling excuses rather than excellence.  This is why (1) establishing clear rules and methods for communication are paramount BEFORE beginning any type of relationship, Fetish or otherwise, and (2) setting boundaries and limits for continuation or dismissal are paramount.  While there are many horrors in the world, desperate Dominants are high on My list of what is pathetic.  Food for thought…

Which are you: A Permission or Forgiveness Domme? (person?)

Thoughtful Resources:

Respect – How To’s

5 Golden Keys to Assertiveness and Setting Boundaries

How To Accept An Apology – especially #7

Respecting Other People’s Wishes

How to Maintain a Relationship with a Loved One Who’s Hurt You

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

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December 1, 2011

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

Last night, I overheard You discussing forgiveness.  I only caught a bit of what You said, but it really helped me with a difficult situation that I am struggling with.  Can You please offer me some more advice?  Thank You, Ma’am.

~ Grateful

Dear Grateful,

Do understand that I write this from the perspective of a Sadist.  Where I choose the term, “punish” and similar words, I suggest you choose an action that resonates with your Truth.  I’m a Libra (The Scales), so perhaps that  also explains what I’m about to say.

I have a 3-strikes-you’re-out-rule for Myself because the first time, shame on you; the second time, I was gracious and you set yourself up for the Divine Torture I’m going to extremely enjoy when/if you offend Me the third time!

My commitment is to the Win-Win.  I do My very best to keep My Karma in balance.  So, I do everything from the place of understanding that everyone and everything in Our Universe is here to teach Our souls lessons.  When people disappoint Us – and they always will – it is part of Our mutual lessons.  It is not so much the situation as it is what We do with the situation that allows Us to grow towards Joy – if We choose to.

Now, here’s the tricky part: We are conditioned by religion, social mores (plural, noun, Sociology:folkways of central importance accepted without question and embodying the fundamental moral views of a group) & pressures, family “stuff,” etc., to believe that:

• evolving means to deny anger and all of the feelings that are natural to being disappointed, disturbed ~ “dissed” – which is ludicrous and against Nature.

• We should somehow be all-knowing so that when people disappoint Us, “I should have” known better, seen it coming, [insert self-defeating statement here].

• it is either all Our fault OR the other person’s fault and We misunderstand personal responsibility.  It’s not until We’re adults that the concept of the dynamic of the interaction between ALL parties gives Us the opportunity to take a good look at Our egos (which shows Us how We are in/out of balance with Self-Love) presented to Us – if We’re lucky.

Having said that, I CHOOSE to permit everyone the opportunity to show Me who they are and HOW they are – which can often be quite different in behavior due to how folks handle stress and FEAR = False Experiences Appearing Real.  And because I embrace the fact that I Am A Sadist, and My Motto is Don’t start none, won’t be none, when they choose to operate outside of the Realm of Love and Respect, I enjoy creating balance for Myself.

I had the great fortune of meeting the Dalai Lama who told Me (I’m paraphrasing) that Karma is whether You can sleep at night.  I forgive offenders because, as Jesus said, “they know not what they do.”  And if they do know, they chose to receive the consequences for their actions – consciously or subconsciously – it’s all in Divine Order for evolution.  I torture them because I do know what I’m doing to take care of My needs and I own My responsibility for doing so.  I always choose to torture with the opportunity for evolution, because I’m also taking care of My Karma.

Some people think this is enacting vengeance.  I believe that the same way the offender gave Me the opportunity to grow through pain, I am the Agent of Karma in return by giving them the opportunity to evolve however they choose to interpret the consequences of their actions.

Forgiveness first begins with Yourself because We have to undo all of that “conditioning” that is designed to make Us wrong.  Once I do that, I find that I can choose to torture from a place of giving love, rather than from a place of retaliation.  I prefer to reward rather than to punish.  Sometimes, a gift can have an amazing sting, but one always grows through pain.  Whether they choose to grow towards Joy is their choice.

Hedonist that I Am (I created My own religion,  Spiritual Hedonism), I choose Joy!

Resources For Forgiveness

Update 2016

The Forgiveness Project works at a local, national, and international level to help build a future free of conflict and violence by healing the wounds of the past.  By collecting and sharing people’s stories, and delivering outreach programs, The Forgiveness Project encourages and empowers people to explore the nature of forgiveness and alternatives to revenge.

6 Timeless Thoughts on Forgiveness from The Positivity Blog.  I recommend subscribing to this blog ~ very good stuff!

Handling Forgiving and Forgetting from LiveStrong.com

The Gift of Forgiveness with a wonderful video

Learning To Forgive – a good how-to guide

Added 2/29/16 – What Is Radical Forgiveness by Collin Tipping

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning.  Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.  As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking.  In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and Classic Fetish Events.  She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

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