submissive vs. substandard
By Mss Didi*
A public service publication© 2006
I cannot describe how annoying it is to find so few truly submissive individuals in The Scene. I believe that largely due to the dummes ruining the concept of Dominance, people have come to associate the term “submissive” with the phrase, “i want”. As a submissive, these two words should never come out of your mouth when addressing a Dominant. That behavior is what has been fostered by hoochies-with-whips accommodating kink. Dominant/submissive (“D/s”) relationships are about negotiation on a completely different level. your goal as a submissive is to serve; not to be serviced.
Although I have presented this article with a focus on the male submissive, the same concepts apply to females who present themselves as submissive. My use of the Feminine when discussing the Dominant includes Dominant males.
I make it clear that in no uncertain terms do I present that professional submissives are “substandards”, although far too many are exploiting the concept and the responsibility of being a submissive. And far too many hookers are calling themselves submissive.
I’m sure I will ruffle quite a few feathers with My views and experiences. However, it would be advantageous to read “Domme vs. dumme” for a better understanding of the true Dominant.
A submissive learns technique and safety and takes the Fetish Arts seriously. submissives understand that their greatest opportunity for self-fulfillment comes from true service and surrender to a Dominant. subs understand that surrender is not something dangerous, but a state of glory where they can transcend the limitations of daily life. The goal of the submissive is self-evolution towards the fulfillment of the highest that life has to offer and he knows that this can be achieved through proper discipline and service to a Dominant. The better he serves, the better his gratification, knowing that he is being the best he can be not only for himself, but for his Domme. A submissive commits to the Dominant/submissive lifestyle and most, in My experience, aspire to be owned and collared by a Domme. he will do whatever it takes to make his fantasy a reality through service.
A substandard is usually a kinkster looking for an orgasm. he pretends that he desires to “serve” a Domme, but his interpretation of service is to receive and, sometimes provide, sexual services. substandards operate from self-gratification which they fantasize includes the pleasure of a Dominant. substandards want to take all they can get from The Scene and offer as little as they can get away with, if anything at all. A substandard’s entire goal is to achieve that orgasm. This being the case, they seldom research anything about the Dominant/submissive relationship, technique or anything other than what they see on porn sites. The Lifestyle is unimportant to him; the thrill of kink is.
submissives know that how they present themselves will determine the quality of Dominant who may consider them for service. he will actually read the Domme’s website to discover more about Her and the ways that he can serve Her the way She wants to be served while offering the best he has to offer. A true submissive asks what s/he may do and thanks the Mistress for the privilege to do it. submissives educate themselves to proper Scene protocols and welcome instruction according to an individual Domme’s desires and requirements. A submissive is responsible for his actions and takes pride in serving properly. he is grateful for the training he receives and the opportunity to serve his Domme. A submissive receives rewards from his proper service which, quite often, includes Play. he is willing to test himself with the goals of passing the Domme’s tests and will push his limits to please Her. A submissive desires a Domme Whom he can truly love and by Whom he can be loved.
A substandard has no real intention of serving at all; how can he when he operates from self-gratification? Therefore, while caught up in his fetish fantasies, he offers lies to himself and to the Dominant. he never READS a Domme’s website and only visits to view Her photos and peruse Her fetishes to see how they fit his desires. A substandard resists training, discipline and change because these are not part of what submission means to him; it all just sounds good. substandards bounce from Domme to Domme, looking for Someone to serve his way, which ultimately means to serve him. There is always the agenda to receive his “jollies” and most often substandards attempt to anger a Dominant with the desire to be “punished”. dummes usually fall into this silly trap and the substandard gets what he wants without offering any service ~ or tribute ~ at all. The good thing about this situation is that even dummes learn to ostracize substandards and the offenders have to float from community to community until there is nowhere for them to go for the fulfillment of their kink. Because their desire is to take without giving, they are left unfulfilled and empty throughout their lives. A troll is always a substandard and, usually, visa-versa.
A submissive desires to be an accoutrement to his Domme, making Her happy that he is in Her service. In public, he makes sure to pay attention to Her every whim and desire to show his excellence as a submissive and to exhibit the excellence of Her training. he is proud to be a representative of Her Domain. If he is fortunate enough to wear Her collar, he displays it like a peacock spreads his tail feathers. Unattached submissives offer their services to Dommes with respect and without attempting to illicit something from Her. (e.g., buy a Domme a drink at a party). A submissive takes pride in his presentation to be someone a Dominant would not only want to Play with, but to consider for long-term service. A submissive dares to bare himself to The Scene and trusts that The Scene will embrace him. submissives offer a true value to The Scene; along with Dominants, they are The Scene.
A substandard either presents himself with flash in an attempt to attract Dominants to Play with him or is wonderously lacking in his presentation. Given all that I’ve said about a substandard, one would think that he would make some kind of effort to achieve his fantasy and appeal to a Domme. However, substandards believe that it is the Domme’s pleasure – and perhaps, duty – to believe in his illusions of his worthiness and esteem. Because substandards truly place themselves above the concept of the D/s lifestyle, they always top-from-the-bottom (attempt to control the situation while pretending to be submissive) because as kinksters, they need to manipulate the fulfillment of their kink. When they cannot have what they want, they pull a “brat” move and try to behave in a disrespectful manner towards the Domme (one can often see this substandard behavior on message boards). The attention they hope to gain from this is completely contrary to their goal of finding someone to “pretend to play Domme” with them, but the substandard is too self-absorbed to see this. he is also too self-absorbed to offer anything to the Domme, but will nearly (if not actually) pester Her to Play with him and attempt to present his fetish as a pleasure for Her (e.g., offer to rub Her feet while She sits at the bar without a beverage). substandards offer nothing to The Scene; they are there to leech off of the energy and beauty of REAL Scene Players. substandards are cowards who are too afraid to actually venture into The Scene; they choose to hide behind the “safety net” of pornography’s depiction of Our World.
A submissive learns how to communicate his limits, asks for safe words, and learns how to properly request his needs with the utmost respect from the Domme. he honors Her and is usually rewarded with Play within his enjoyments and limits. The benefits from this behavior is the opportunity for future service and Play. If the submissive pleases a Domme like Me, s/he is rewarded with the opportunity to Play with Me and My Domina Friends. A submissive will have his own Toys to address his safety and to please the Domme with something different to Play with. submissives know to keep their bodies clean, trimmed and coiffed. Smart submissives will take good care of their hands, feet, nails, hair and skin to make them appealing to the Domme. A submissive knows that presentation is everything and how he speaks and approaches one Domme will set his reputation amongst Many. Most importantly, after Play, a submissive knows to show the proper appreciation in the way he thanks the Domme.
A substandard begins his presentation to a Domme by saying what he wants; sometimes disguised in terms like, “i’m into…” he rarely, if ever, offers the Domme anything. Quite often, substandards attend as many events as they can with huge bags of Toys I call these “luggasubs” (luggage-substandards), hoping that a Domme will want to test the Toy so that he can get some Play without offering anything. When asked to do something, they conveniently disappear. To validate his beliefs that there is something wrong with everything and everyone else, he refuses to tribute in any way – even if Someone has Played with him. A substandard’s attitude is that there would be no Dommes without submissives (which, in My opinion, is true and there would also be no submissives without Dominants), but he fails to see that he is not submissive. Nor does he see that there will always be Dominants and submissives without substandards.
A submissive is clear that a Dominant/submissive lifestyle is happiness and will create himself to receive the training, discipline and essence of The Scene to achieve it. submissives understand that love, personal growth and spiritual evolution are the result of service. The solace of acceptance, caring and comfort in service to a Domme are attainable goals for a REAL submissive. The opportunity for mutual evolution is a reality for the submissive and the Dominant.
A substandard, on the other hand, will never find fulfillment from his self-imposed limitations by refusing to educate himself and explore what The Scene has to offer and what he can offer to The Scene. A substandard’s goal is to fill the void of his lack of self-love and acceptance by siphoning the energies of D/s and BDSM to feel alive through the satisfaction of his kink. This is a dead existence which always leads to disappointment, emptiness and loss. The substandard sets himself up to be a loser and will have nothing but unhappiness and the reality of self-debasement as the only outcome of the path he chooses to take. Hopefully, a substandard may understand the need to relinquish his selfishness to be able to transcend through Fetish, but, perhaps, this is My fantasy…
I’m a Domme, not your mom.
Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.