Updated September 10, 2015
February 28, 2013
Q: Dear Mistress Didi,
I heard about the horrible tragedy of [NAME WITHHELD] and now I’m afraid. How am I supposed to find subs when such horrible things ARE happening?
~ Miss J
Dear Miss J,
I am writing this as a public service to Dommes and Women everywhere and I encourage Us all to share these precautions with the younger generations.
The world is full of nut-jobs and people who are wealthy enough to have some “professional” enable them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by deeming that they have a “disorder,” putting them on cocktails of medications, making Big Pharma richer, and giving them an excuse from prosecution to the fullest for their crimes.
It’s scary out there and although nut-jobs can get through your filters, there are precautions that EVERY Domme should take – every woman, for that matter. Unfortunately, there are many horrid cases of Women who let their delusions of Dominance get in the way of their intelligence.
My suggestions to protect Yourself in EVERY way possible are:
1) Keep your private life private. We all have Scene Names for a reason: to protect Our privacy which includes Our family, friends, associates, submissives, Play partners, pets, your favorite grocery store, etc. A common mistake that a lot of confused Dommes make is to want to be liked/accepted by potential submissives, which is exactly the opposite of what You’re supposed to do. The submissive’s goal is to want to be liked and accepted by YOU through proper service and good deeds. ONLY after a considerable amount of time of service (for Me, sometimes several years) should a submissive be allowed into Your personal realm. It is also important that you respect others’ privacy as well. Do not divulge information; let the person choose what She wants to be known and to whom by relaying the information Herself.
2) Don’t be a “desperate Domme.” Too many people make the mistake of approaching submissive acquisition and training from a void within their lives. “Accoutrements,” as I call them, are supposed to be an addition to Your already full life; not a missing piece to the puzzle. One submissive cannot be everything. That is why I have the motto: From each according to their ability; to each according to My desires (a little play on Marx & Engells). Remember, it is better to have no subs than even one “substandard.” Desperation makes people ignore signs of trouble and make decisions that are contrary to their best interests.
3) Have a buddy system. One of the best rules that My Mother had and still has for Me and My friends is to call when We get home or wherever We’re going. Always have your whereabouts and whom you are with known to a trusted associate who will look out for you. Be certain to give names and cell phone numbers and, one thing I insist upon, is license plate info. Not only is this a smart thing to do, but it is a courteous thing to do for those who love and care for you. Should anything happen, your chances are better with as much information as possible for the authorities.
4) Be very careful of whom you consider a “friend.” Unfortunately, too many people think that just because someone agrees with them, seems to think the way they do, has similar interests, etc., that you are both on the same level. Before getting close to someone:
a) Observe the words they use in general because words ARE indications of how the person (1) interprets the world and people in it, and (2) will behave. Notice the patterns and relationships in their language. For example, a person whose conversation is predominantly about distrust of others is not to be trusted. And a person whose conversation is about woe and failure will be a saboteur to herself (and probably at some point to you). People always project what they dislike most about themselves onto others;
b) Observe how they respect Your privacy. Beware of people who need to discuss Your business as part of conversations with others because their carelessness can endanger You. Definitely confront them politely and point out how You wish Your privacy to be respected. If they are unable to control themselves, cut them loose;
c) Associate with “like kinds of people.” One of My “issues” from childhood is (still) being compassionate and wanting everyone to be able to play (and as an adult, “Play”). I was always the kid at the playground who got everyone involved in a game. Even as a child, those twisted-misfit-socially-inept kids would turn on Me at some point even though they knew they would go back to being outcasts. Whether this is idiot-nature or “disorder nature” is irrelevant; the fact is that some people are so comfortable in their discomfort that when they get the opportunity to have what they want, they choose to operate from fear and unworthiness and attack the giver. Every back-stabbing-dumb-bitch you’ve ever known is one of these misfits who does not believe s/he is worthy of what You represent and, as losers always do, they try to dim Your Light so they can remain in darkness.
The TRUTH is that these people are NOT worthy of Your energies and that is their choice. Respect their choices to be unhappy, miserable, lying to themselves and the world, etc., as You want Your choice to be fabulous to be respected;
d) Practice forgiveness but don’t be stupid. Jesus said to “turn the other cheek” but did not say to get beat up! My late stepfather, a theosophist, offered an interesting point: that to turn the other cheek meant to approach the person in a different way rather than to give them another chance to show you how they are limited. In other words, when you give them another chance, give directions (subtle or not) in what is expected of them so that they have the opportunity to evolve to where you are. If this person continues in unacceptable behavior, release them from Your environment.
Resource: When And How To Unfriend In Your Life
5) Always have a back-up plan. Don’t forget that Our Scene is a fantasy for most, so many don’t believe that they need to respect you and your wishes because it’s not their real-life. You should treat everything about you as real and don’t rely on anyone until they have proven to be of value and trustworthy. Do not go out with people unless you have the means to take care of your expenses and a way to get back home.
6) Maintain protocols. The lack of manners and class is running rampant as more and more people spawn instead of raise their children. Too many people have entitlement issues that are completely unwarranted. When people become too familiar with you, they will diminish your standing to themselves which leads to nothing but problems. The use of titles, order-and-response rules, postures, etc., not only maintains the level of integrity of relationships, it preserves the specialness of Our Scene.
Resource: The Importance of Rituals & Protocols
7) Choose Your words carefully and don’t get caught up in “hate bait.” The internet is full of websites for gruesomes to get together and try to attack all of the people who ARE DOING FABULOUS THINGS while they don’t even offer tiny bits of beauty for Us to enjoy. No matter what You say, some loser will choose to pick individual words to make their jealousy-based, false fantasy an attack on You. NEVER do they ever feel better about themselves; the illusion that they “top” You merely distracts them from their self-loathing long enough until they find the next person to attack. Avoid engagements with people who have nothing to offer – not even to themselves. Don’t let your ego get you ensnared; completely have no care about what they have to say. Ignore them and they will go away to feed off of someone else. If you absolutely feel you MUST address them, thank them for reminding you of what The Bible says and link to Matthew 7:6.
8) Don’t ignore your intuition and/or warning signs and report offenders immediately. We have intuition for a reason. Pay attention to it. If it feels wrong, it IS wrong. Better to mistake that sign of warning than to have a headstone on your grave as a sign to warn others. Keep records of activities in case you need them as proof of offenses. Too often, We are afraid of what others may “think” of Us (e.g., that We’re paranoid), but remember this: people will think and believe whatever they choose to – no matter what the facts are. And if they were capable of intelligent thought, they would focus on creating happiness their own lives instead of being in judgment of yours.
One thing that I find stupid in Our Scene is the practice of “don’t tell” that protects offenders and endangers other people. If you are not a part of the solution, you are a part of the problem. Even though My so-called-friends at the time witnessed the activities of a dangerous stalker, those pathetic creatures were annoyed with ME for telling the world about him. No one wants to admit that My actions calmed his craziness down and he is now under control. I will insist until the end of My days that if offenders are “outted,” offenses will be curtailed because people are afraid of confrontation and being ostracized from groups almost more than they are afraid of going to jail. This is a reason that Meagan’s Law works. I advise that the group is not worthy of your energies if they do not support your safety and wellness – and the wellness of others – by allowing offenders to roam freely and continue to be unpunished.
9) Do not leave food or drink unattended and do not eat or drink anything you did not see prepared. People are drugged and violated every day. Nothing else needs to be said.
10) Be aware of what’s happening in the news. Every time one of those silly, “buffies” from a gated, suburban community moves to New York City and decides to go jogging in Central Park at dangerous times of the day, I’m more offended that an innocent, Black and/or Hispanic male will be jailed – as happened with The Central Park 5 – than I am that another female was endangered by extreme ignorance and arrogance. Ignorance, especially today with the internet literally at your fingertips, is NO excuse. Know what to be aware of and where, and take steps to protect yourself.
Resource: “The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker draws on his extensive expertise to explode the myth that most violent acts are random and unpredictable and shows that they usually have discernible motives and are preceded by clear warning signs. Through dozens of compelling stories from his own career and life, he unravels the complexities of violent behavior and details the pre-incident indicators (PINs) that can determine if someone poses a danger to us.”
Love Yourself and be smart.
Always MY Pleasure,
I’m a Domme, not your mom.
Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and Classic Fetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.