Category Archives: Philosophy/Lifehack

AskMistressDidi.com

No Regrets – How To

 

 

October 24, 2017

Dear Mistress Didi*,

I find myself focusing on my past breakup and having nothing but regrets.  In Your workshop, You mentioned getting stuck in “coulda-woulda-shoulda” and I can’t seem to move on. Can You please help me?

“quicksand”


Dear “quicksand,”

Aren’t you in luck – I just wrote the perfect response to your query for someone else!

READY? Let’s go!

STOP thinking of your experiences as regrets and see them as lessons:

♦  There is always something of value to be learned to support you in what you really want.

♦  No one is born knowing everything (no matter how many folks want to believe they are) and the entire purpose of The Gift of Life is to have experiences and learn from them to BE the best person you can be.

♦  Perspective is the key to happiness. Know the adage of seeing the glass as half-empty or half-fullHow you choose to see your world creates your reality. So, I recommend being kind to yourself and choosing the most supportive and FUN ways to deal with every experience you have.

♦  Practice FORGIVENESS and begin with forgiving yourself. One of the main reasons one has regrets is because you are playing the make-wrong-game of thinking that you shoulda-woulda-coulda known better.

◊   How can you know better if you have not had the experience and learned from it?

◊  NOTE: Those i-told-you-so people can ONLY offer info from their experience as they have learned — or not — from it. And far too many people offer advice from second-hand and/or NO experience whatsoever. Their goal is to play the make-YOU-wrong-game — whether they admit it or not.

⇒  People who are on your side will offer suggestions about what to do now instead of invalidating what you did/didn’t do.

♦  Here’s something that works particularly well for Me: View offenders as servants for your greatness.

◊  When We wallow in the hurt feelings of betrayal, etc., We continue setting Ourselves up for what We perceive as failure (not being loved; not being worthy; not [insert whatever here]).

◊  People pay servants to perform useful tasks. Consider what you believe offenders have taken from you (especially, emotionally) as payment for an educational opportunity. And let them be paid in full.

◊   By operating from a perspective of SELF-TRUST, you heal faster, learn better, and can choose more wisely in the future.

⇒  Give yourself permission to have a few setbacks and bumps in the road to refine your lessons instead of viewing these as failures.

◊   And if you really want to feel better about it, write the offender a thank you note and — without sounding bitter (so take time to ruminate on your feelings which serves you to clarify them) — tell the offender how their nefarious behavior has made them a “good servant” and useful for the oxygen they breathe… That’s My line and I mean it!

⇒  It’s fine to never send the note to them — this is a forgiveness tool that is designed to make you feel better and release the toxicity of your experience of them to be better served by them. It may actually be better not to send it to avoid further annoyance.

♦  Enhance your Awareness with empowering techniques and practices. Awareness is your Key to Freedom as you discover what your underlying thoughts are that imprison you in “dis-empowerment” and “misery conditioning” via religions, (anti)social structures, etc.

◊   READ consciousness raising materials and learn to meditate — and yes, there are apps for that!

◊   Limit/avoid useless, social media— you don’t need to know about every step that someone’s toddler takes just because they’re obsessed with posting about it…

⇒  Make sure to have a daily intake of GOOD NEWS and limit media-fear-mongering-ghoulishness.

♦  Take your face out of your phone and smile at peopleDevelop personal interaction skills so that you’re not rude-creepy and attracting rude-creepy people and experiences to you.

◊  LAUGH as often as possible because laughter releases four, main, ‘feelgood’ chemicals – endorphin,  oxytocin , serotonin, and dopamine in the brain, which supports everything I’ve written here.

◊  Learn to laugh at yourself because:

(1) you relieve yourself from the make-wrong-game;

(2) you learn from the experience in a state of joyousness, which is always more fun and useful than learning from pain; and

(3) when you can laugh at yourself, those who laugh WITH you contribute to your growth and those who laugh AT you will have NO effect on you because YOU have The Power in the situation.

◊  I make it a habit to laugh immediately before I go to sleep to get that feel-good chemical boost for a better night’s sleep and a much more glorious morning!

◊  PRACTICE GRATITUDE.The more you focus on what is good in your life and have gratitude for, the more you will have to be grateful for. That’s Universal Law. And talk about pumping those feel-good chemicals!!!!

⇒  Start with The Magic by Rhonda Byrne which is a 28-day practice to develop Gratitude. The booklet’s tagline is, “The easiest, fastest way to change your life.”

♦  Surround yourself with people who are on the same paths of consciousness as you are.

◊  IMPORTANT: Learn to be alone and enjoy your own company. As you evolve, people will come and go because they are working on (or not) their own, personal journeys. Being distracted by conditioning that being alone means being lonely and/or unwanted is UNTRUE and a waste of valuable time to do and be what YOU want.

◊  Be prepared to let go of friends and relatives— or put them to the side. What people fear most is change. And when you make changes for your personal growth, jealousy and sabotage can often come from those closest to you because they are afraid (for whatever reasons) to face their own “demons” to evolve. Some folks even choose to believe that to discourage and sabotage you is love for you!

⇒  One of My favorite practices is to say, “I love you for who you were in My life; I release you for who you choose to be now.”  Whether you actually say this to the person or not is irrelevant; this is a TOOL for your strength and forgiveness.

⇒  PAY ATTENTION to people’s actions. Don’t make excuses for their bad behaviors because they’re a relative or you’ve been friends for a long time. None of that means (1) they truly care for you now and/or (2) that you owe them anything — especially to take abuse from them. You don’t need to know why or what their reasons are for being non-supportive of your happiness and greatness. Treat yourself well and them accordingly.

♦  Get and stay healthy — mind, body and spirit.

◊  Mind: Meditate daily; have daily infusions of positive news; READ conscious-raising materials; keep your focus on what you want and avoid negative distractions.

◊  Body: Exercise; eat with a focus to BE HEALTHY rather than skinny or whatever mind-control-conditioning is running you; rest/recuperate/sleep; get massages — Groupon and massage schools offer affordable options.

⇒  Try different forms of yoga to get started and/or enhance your routines because yoga is also excellent for the mind and spirit. Check out Sara Ivanhoe’s Yoga For Dummies Series — excellent! The link is to several, FREE YouTube videos.

◊  Spirit is NOT limited to religious conditioning; it is about the expansion of your excellence to contribute to The Whole. Follow your heart and what feels good with the highest integrity.

♦  MOST IMPORTANTLY, DON’T BE LAZY.This is the greatest time in known history for finding and having what you want with information at your fingertips, literally. The same way folks can search for the latest music video (or porn…), search for answers to your questions. If ever there was a time that “seek and ye shall find” was true, it is now!

◊  While there are many generous people who will share their knowledge, ONLY YOU can find what you need and how you need it.

REMEMBER: YOU are the creator of your life. Change your perspective, change your world. CHOOSE BETTER everything and that is what you will have.

You CAN do it! Good luck and I support you in living your greatest life and contributing your greatness to The Whole!

For detailed techniques, check out My current and upcoming Workshops.  Custom and private Workshops may be created,

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREE Fetish Etiquette GuideWebcam WorkshopsPartyDomme.com News


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

 Related articles:
©Mss Didi* ~ ©AskMistressDidi.com

What’s In Your Play Bag?

 

 

Another public service Gift from Mss Didi*

June 25, 2017

Fetishists know that whenever unsafe Play occurs, the vibe of the experience is dampened, if not ruined.  Unsafe Play creates diminished fun times; folks can get hurt; reputations can be damaged; and gossip-ghouls go on a rampage...  (See How To Deal With Relationship Gossip for “management tips.”)

Recent gatherings I’ve been invited to prompt Me to share a 50 Shades of Foolishness Workshop Tip.  I’ve been horrified by the lack of knowledge, attention, and the careless disregard for safe and intelligent Play all the way around.  I choose to share knowledge so that I am part of the solution instead of being part of the problem by remaining silent

  • If anyone chooses to be offended because they believe that I am referring to their event, that will be your choice. You also have the choice to utilize My Gifts NOW, if you neglected to before.  Find a plethora of resources on My Ask Mistress Didi site.

I encourage any and everyone to use My Processes as templates to develop your own intelligent, Play Plans.  PLEASE DO so that:

  • you are prepared for safety for yourself and others
  • you have what you need and can become familiar with it for maximum safety and comfort
  • you are responsible for how you Play
  • you and all in attendance have a pleasant Play experience, and
  • maybe I will have more events other than My own that I can thoroughly enjoy, too!

The Basics

1)    Safety GuideThere are basic, first aid cares that you SHOULD know.  For example, what to do for burns, cuts, bruises, and bleeding.  PRINT and carry with you a reference sheet to be prepared.

2)    First Aid Kit.  Check out what to include in yours from The Mayo Clinic.  While you don’t have to carry an entire kit, a few basics such as bandages and antiseptic are a must.  Here is an excellent tip sheet for a Dungeon or Toy Bag First Aid Kit from the Central Iowa Power Exchange [update 4/4/19] Physical Aftercare and First Aid Quick Reference from submissivesguide.com.

3)    Cleaning Supplies.  Always disinfect your Play space and keep it sanitary.  If you’re Playing publicly, I recommend carrying a small, spray bottle with alcohol to give the area a spray and wipe.

a)    ALWAYS ASK FIRST if it’s OK to use alcohol – – or any substances – – on areas because you don’t want to damage property.  I can tell you that being sorry after the fact does not make up for ruining My decor and having to go after folks to remedy damages is most annoying and offenders will be punished – in one way or another…

b)    Even better, bring a “Play Cloth” and other Play Preparations to cover furniture.  See #7 below.

c)    You may wish to bring disposable, disinfecting cloths or, even better Make Your Own Natural Disinfectant.

d)    Cloths and/or paper towels for spills and to clean after you Play.  It doesn’t matter if there is cleaning staff; be a good guest and clean up after yourself.

4)    Escape Tools.  While you may enjoy making escape-proof, “sub-art,” stuff can happen and it’s always a good idea to have a scissors and/or cutting tools to quickly release a person to ensure maximum well-being.

  • True story: During one of My presentations, an idiot dom, who was interested in playing the make-wrong-game, blurted out that if you/I knew how to top My sub, there would be no reason to release them before the session was done. I mentioned fire, earthquake, and a variety of factors make good reasons, to which he guffawed.  So, when an attendee to that lecture had to cut the idiot dom’s sub out of bondage when their Play venue caught fire, his same arrogance was addressed by his associates.
  • I don’t make it a habit to say, “I told you so,” because (1) I never have to; and (2) I never care enough to – I prefer to spend My time enriching My life rather than sliding down the Evolutionary Scale to remind offenders that they were wrong. If a person desires to learn and evolve, they will do better with positive reinforcement — which I am always happy to give to the worthy.  Besides, Karma is a fabulous thing!  (See Keeping Cool With Karma)

5)    Plastic bags.  There are a variety of reasons that everyone should have at least 1 plastic bag on hand but it is essential to have plastic bags in your Play Bag for sanitary reasons.  There is nothing better for breeding bacteria than to place used Toys and clothing into a dark, enclosed container – especially if your Play Bag is not washable.  It also makes for easier organization to separate used and unused items for faster cleaning and storage.

a)    I recommend ziplocking, gallon-sized bags because they are usually large enough to fit clothing and Toys into.

b)    For larger Toys, etc., use larger bags.  Tall, kitchen trash bags are usually large enough for most Toys.

i)      I like to cut-to-size clear, trash bags so that it’s easy to see My Toys through them.

ii)     Clear, plastic bags also make it easier to ensure that you have all of your Toys at the end of Play Time.

c)    I pack My clean Toys into plastic bags before placing them in My Play Bag to ensure that they remain sterile.

6)    Gloves – latex or vinyl that fit your hands.  The purpose for wearing gloves is for safety from receiving and/or transmitting communicable diseases and other infections.  Gloves that are too big will be uncomfortable and can lead to accidents and injuries.  Gloves that are too small will break and make Players vulnerable to exposure.

a)    It is wiser and more economical to purchase gloves by the box from a pharmaceutical or (especially if you want colored gloves) beauty supplier to ensure that you stay stocked.

b)    Because there is always someone who either doesn’t know better or is just irresponsible, I recommend packing a few pairs of gloves in a ziplock bag for yourself and a pair or 2 for that person.  Why?  Because sharing is not only a good and kind habit, but it (i) keeps the enjoyable flow of Play Time and (ii) alleviates tacky attitudes and behaviors.  This practice is part of “Playing Nice” and adds pleasant energy to the environment.

i)      I usually carry a few pairs of latex gloves in different sizes just in case someone needs them.

c)    My personal preference is for vinyl gloves because I find them more comfortable and less sticky on My skin; more adaptable to My hand movements; and a bit more durable than latex for the way I Play.  While vinyl gloves can be a bit more expensive, My comfort is paramount and I’m worth it.  Comfort is a key component for the best Play.

7)    Covering for your Play Area.  Depending on your situation, good Hosts will have Play Preparations available for guests.  However, this is seldom the case in public places.  Since too many of these public places are dimly lit, you can’t see or trust their cleanliness.  Having your own covering solves all problems.

a)    Unless you’re really into having a special Play Cover, disposable coverings make things easier.

i)      I provide theme-colored, plastic drop cloths for My Guests which are conveniently placed in a large, trash bag when Play is done.

8)    Hand SanitizerThe FDA continues research to pass new laws about the dangerous ingredients in commercial hand sanitizers, so here are resources to Make Your Own Natural Hand Sanitizer .

The sub’s Play Bag

Smart submissives will always have what they (specifically) need on hand – especially if you have allergies and/or medical considerations.  I insist that the sub’s Play Bag is placed near Mine where it is easily accessible and where I can keep an eye on it.

1)    Most Important: Have a (preferably typed) list of allergies/medications, etc.  and instructions in case of emergency.  This list should include emergency contact information.  If you’re concerned with your privacy, place the list in a sealed envelope and be certain to tell whomever you’re Playing with where to find it before Play begins. 

2)    Wipes are a must-have because there are no guarantees that the Play Space will have amenities.  Freshen up before and after Play.  Depending on the wipes you choose, some may be good for cleaning Toys, too.

a)    I strongly recommend using a wipe that does not have a strong smell which may be disruptive to participants and onlookers, and even to the scene itself.  I was invited to Play with someone and his sub and her perfume made Me (and a few invited voyeurs) gag.  There was annoyance all the way around as her dom had to tell her to wash it off.  Flow was interrupted and she wasn’t thrilled to wash off what was probably one of those expensive, stinky, celebrity scents – – which made her attitude stink.  Not as fun a Play Time as it should and could have been.

3)    A Change of Underwear because “stuff” happens.

What’s In My Play Bag

1)    My Diva Cloth for My Toys because (i) I like a pretty presentation to set the scene and inspire Me as I choose My Toys and (ii) I know that My Diva Cloth is clean for My Toys to be placed on during Play.

2)    A Play Cover because, as I mentioned above, I can’t always rely on hosts to be as prepared as I am with My Events.  Bringing My own Play Cover is also inspiration for others who would not normally know to adopt this smart habit.

3)    Water.  A bottle of water is excellent to have handy for a variety of reasons from using it during Play to hydrating yourself and Playmate.  Having to look for water during a scene breaks the continuity and can dampen the vibe.  Should it slip your mind to have water available before the scene, a bottle of water in your Play Bag solves the problem.

a)    Another consideration for bringing your own, sealed water bottle is if you are in a public space where you cannot watch your cup.  It’s sad to say, but there are a lot of creeps out there who slip mickeys.

4)    Safety Pins.  Wardrobe malfunctions do occur and safety pins can also be used to Play with…

5)    Public Play Toys to Play with folks I may not know.

a)    These Toys are usually made of a non-porous substance that can be disinfected on the spot.  I choose non-porous materials because cleanup is significantly easier (alcohol will do the trick) than with leather and other materials that require special cleaners for proper care to maintain their state.

b)    Since one’s skill with the Toys is more important than having flashy Toys, I don’t usually spend a lot of money on these.  If I really have a good time, I may gift the participant with the Toy as a momentum of Our time together.

6)    Small, healthy snacks to maintain blood sugar levels.  Of course, I choose healthy options (like raisins and other dried or fresh fruit) to ensure that My and My Playmate’s energies are not depleted.  Many times, even with light Play, and especially due to excitement, people can get so involved with Play that they are do not notice dips in energy.  Low blood sugar levels can affect the Top’s judgment and precision and the bottom’s recovery and healing.

7)    Antiseptic.  Depending on the activities I intend to indulge in, I always carry the most natural form of antiseptic I can find to fit the bill.

8)    Essential Oil Disinfecting Spray.  I believe that smell is an integral part of the dynamic of your scene – and I intensely dislike stench.  So, I bring a small, spray bottle of My favorite concoction:

  • Mistress Didi*s “Scentual” Mist.  In a 2 oz.  bottle, add 2 parts water; 1 part witch hazel; 10 drops of Lavender; and 10 drops of Lemongrass Essential Oils.  Shake well before using and use sparingly.  NOTE: I always ask if anyone is allergic or sensitive to these ingredients before I spray.

Other Notes

1)    Liquid Bandages.  This is a great idea if you have a boo-boo!  Liquid bandages seal a cut or scrape (see instructions for recommended use), offer better mobility, and are more hygienic and attractive (they create an invisible coating) than regular bandaids.

2)    EpiPen.  Especially if you are a submissive/bottom and you have allergies, it may be a wise idea to obtain a prescription for epinephrine and carry an EpiPen in your Play Bag in case of Play with substances that are untried and/or with Playmates you have little experience with.  According to Consumer Reports, in most states, you can obtain a prescription for an “epinephrine auto-injector” or “generic Adrenaclick.”  While an epinephrine injector may be expensive, your life is worth it – and you may be able to find online coupons and deals.  Do the research to find reputable merchants for product quality.

Start with these tips and adapt to your desires to ensure that your Play Bag contains essentials for safe, healthy, and dynamic Play!

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREE Fetish Etiquette GuideWebcam WorkshopsPartyDomme.com News


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

 Related articles:
©AskMistressDidi.com

9/11 Evolved

 

 

September 5, 2016

Dear United States of America,

I write this as an offering to reconsider how We remember 9/11.

This wretched, “9/11 tradition” of assaulting Us by rehashing the events that brought Us terrible sadness does NOT allow Us to move forward in pride as a nation, as communities, as neighbors, as families.

It makes no emotionally-intelligent sense to continue to horrifically mourn the deceased for over a decade when We can honor each individual who perished on that day by celebrating their special gifts and contributions to their families and communities.

The attack on Our senses of non-stop, repeated footage of dreadful events is a tactic that keeps people docile with fear and loathing.

  • Instead of tuning into non-stop-replays of The Towers coming down all day long and replayed over and over again on what passes for news TV;
  • Instead of bombarding every channel with reading the names of the deceased for hours;
  • Instead of tuning into h8te-mongers at pulpits inciting anti-love tactics in the name of their all-might-money-gods;
  • Instead of staring at your brown-skinned and Muslim neighbors with suspicion; let Us consider evolving Our consciousness towards being a Better America;
  • Instead of participating in ghoulish practices that bring an entire country’s vibration down, wouldn’t you much prefer to hear:

♥ about the wonderful ways that the victims inspired people?

♥ about the foundations and good works done in their names?

♥ how their memories are now supporting Our Better Lives?

Wouldn’t you feel inspired to be an American by knowing how Our communities have grown stronger and moved forward from tragedy instead of being bombarded by what is actually whining – not remembrance, and certainly not honor for the deceased?

Every “religious” tradition has wisdom that serves for Us to live Better Lives.  Judaism offers the tradition of sitting shiva, which refers to “a seven-day period of formalized mourning by the immediate family of the deceased.”

“The psychological brilliance of Judaism is nowhere more apparent than in its carefully ritualized structure for dealing with grief. The open expression of sorrow is permitted, even encouraged.  Yet, beginning with the family’s arrival at their home after burial, a process is set into motion that leads the bereaved gently but firmly back to life and the world of the living. The first stage in this gradual process of healing is called shiva.” – ReformJudaism.org

Note:  Coincidence? Shiva, “The Auspicious One,” is the Hindu deity who is “the Creator, the Preserver, the Transformer, and the Destroyer.”  In spiritual traditions, Shiva embodies The Cycle of Life.  Interesting…

It’s time to create a New 9/11 Tradition of honor and pride.

We have the opportunity to build Better Communities by Being Better Neighbors.  We have the opportunity to learn about Our differences – like how We pray – to strengthen Our similarities – like how We love Our children.

Let Us start by taking the time to honor and remember what makes this country great and turn the annual 9/11 debacle into a Day of Inspiration.  We don’t need constant reminders of the horror; We need reminders of Our Greatness as a country made up of many different cultures, peoples, beliefs, and ways to love to be encouraged to be an even Better America.  We need these reminders because We are bombarded on a daily basis with the most negative news and awful behaviors of people at their worst and little to no time is spent celebrating Us at Our Best.

We can change this NOW, this 9/11 and every one thereafter, by choosing:

  • NOT to watch TV that day. (The same goes for turning your attention to gruesome news websites.)  You don’t need to see those Towers fall ever again.  If enough people tune out, media companies will feel the loss of advertising profits and attend to Our interests for a change;
  • To organize and/or attend a community building event. How fortunate We are to live in the internet age and have socializing websites like Meetup and even craigslist to find events to commune with like minds and energies;
  • To pay it forward. Do something for the future.  In his wisdom and respect, President Obama declared 9/11 as a Day of Service, which is truly the highest way to honor Our deceased.  Plant a tree; clean up a lot to create a community garden; see where there is a need in your community and show up to be a solution and contribution;
  • Learn something new. The more We know, the more We grow.  Especially if you’re a parent, take the opportunity to learn something new with your children to encourage their love of learning and sharing ideas.  A good thing to learn about would be a high-holy day in a tradition different from your own so that you may enhance tolerance in yourself and your children for a better today and tomorrow.

These are just a few suggestions that work for Me.  Please, do your thing.  The fact that you and I have as much freedom to do what We want to do as We have, already makes Us better off than the majority of the people on this planet.

Let’s not waste any more time festering in horror and being negative; let’s rise up with honor and integrity and be inspired by how We have strengthened as a nation from tragedy.

— This article’s Twin Towers painting: Original artwork by Jim Watts (2002)

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREE Fetish Etiquette GuideWebcam WorkshopsPartyDomme.com News


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

 Related articles:
AskMistressDidi.com

Permission or Forgiveness?

©Mss Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

August 9, 2015

Domina101™ Tip”

“It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.” – Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper

That depends on the type of person you are and who you’re dealing with. Ask yourself:

Do you prefer to TRUST someone to ask your permission to do something you may say no to, or do you prefer to TRUST that someone will apologize (or make amends) for doing something you didn’t want them to do?

Trust, after all, is the main dynamic in the D/s relationship and in all relationships of all kinds.

Before I go further, I offer this for your consideration: When you search that quote and the multitude of egocentric variations that you’ll find, be aware that:

(1) This quote is used for THE most selfish, turd-tards to excuse their offenses; and

(2) It’s stupid to adopt this philosophy because there are scary people out here…

Read on…

One of the most important things a Domme (or anyone) can know to improve Domain Maintenance is whether you are a Forgiveness person or a Permission person. The difference between these two personality characteristics is truly like night and day.

A Permission person, like Me, requires you to ask before doing. While I’ve been accused of being a Type A personality, control-freak (usually by the idiots who thought they were smarter than they are and failed to manipulate Me), I am a thinker and a planner. I intensely dislike wastes of My time. As anyone knows who takes even a glimpse at My Websites can see, I carefully, clearly, and thoroughly detail exactly what I wish to convey. I make things easy for people who are not lazy and careless to succeed with Me.

I really do know what I want and am very specific about exactly how I am and how I want things in My Domain. If an error is made, I accept My responsibility for it. If you make the error without asking My permission, you diminish your value to Me because it takes too much unnecessary work for Me to forgive you for disrespecting My Process. While I make it a point to “do forgiveness,” (you should read this) I don’t guarantee that offenders will not suffer. Just saying.

It’s a mistake when someone decides that they:

(1) are going to do what they want and that I’ll get over it. No, I get over you and dismiss you from My Domain – never to return. Understand that I have banished blood relatives for offending Me, so no one is exempt from this choice.;

(2) know better than I do about what I really want. No, I carefully think, research, and plan accordingly before I express My wishes. I’ll add that, unlike most people, I take into consideration the well-being of others involved in the scenarios and ask them appropriately. So, I intensely dislike people making (usually half-azzed) decisions for Me when they can easily ask Me; and/or

(3) try to play the victim to avoid their responsibility for offending Me. That’s a stupid move that never works – never “play victim” with a Sadist! You won’t like the torture.

A Forgiveness person is usually someone who says, “make it happen,” or “you handle it.” Sometimes, these people have specific rules for you, but if they don’t, they prefer to deal with situations after the fact. Forgiveness people are more easily satisfied with apologies where Permission people may need a lot more convincing that you’re sorry – you will have to prove yourself. Forgiveness people are apt to give you more chances where Permission people, like Me, have very strict limits and We tell you what they are at the beginning of Our relationships. Permission people feel disrespected by your audacity to take matters in Their Domains into your own hands on your terms. It’s never good to offend Us.

It is My experience that Forgiveness people often find themselves feeling taken advantage of because, sadly in this day and age, selfishness and self-absorption are the modus operandi for the majority. Most of the letters I receive for Ask Mss Didi* advice are from Dommes whose trust and kindness have been betrayed.

Equally important, is knowing what type of person you’re dealing with. The Forgiveness submissive may actually be a “brat” who gets off on causing you distress just to gain excusal for his behavior – until the next time, and to see how much further he can go. I find these creatures contemptible. The Permission sub can go overboard by needing your permission for everything, which can be annoying. Permission subs can also struggle with topping from the bottom because they have their own issues with giving permission to others.

While every Domme has Her own way of managing Her Domain, knowing which type of person YOU are will assist your training processes so that you are not drained and disappointed. While We all encounter the “usual suspects” of fakers-takers-shakers-noise-makers, knowing how you operate is a strong tool for maintaining your sanity as well as your Domain. It is easier to design appropriate strategies for peaceful Domain maintenance.

ADDENDUM AUGUST 12, 2015

A Personal Tip

One of My Training Tools — for submissives as well as for My own success — is to regularly review PURPOSE:

  1. What My Purpose for the person is in My Domain;
  2. How the person’s desires fit in with Mine; and
  3. Does the person warrant the amount of training effort I extend.

I often see Dominants “working the whining” game — coddling, fighting, etc., less than compliant behaviors from people claiming to serve Them and, in essence, enabling excuses rather than excellence.  This is why (1) establishing clear rules and methods for communication are paramount BEFORE beginning any type of relationship, Fetish or otherwise, and (2) setting boundaries and limits for continuation or dismissal are paramount.  While there are many horrors in the world, desperate Dominants are high on My list of what is pathetic.  Food for thought…

Which are you: A Permission or Forgiveness Domme? (person?)

Thoughtful Resources:

Respect – How To’s

5 Golden Keys to Assertiveness and Setting Boundaries

How To Accept An Apology – especially #7

Respecting Other People’s Wishes

How to Maintain a Relationship with a Loved One Who’s Hurt You

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttps://askmssdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gifBeing a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Mss Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

How Fetish Saved My Life

Dear Mistress Didi,

I’ve often heard You say that Fetish saved Your life. Please tell!

Domina D.


Dear Domina D.,

The short answer is that when I accepted My True Nature as a Fetishist, I became well, whole, and happy to BE ME. Whenever I say that, people ask Me how I achieved this state of Grace. I will attempt to answer that question here.

I recently conducted a workshop in My vanilla life where participants were asked, “As a child, what type of literary/movie/etc. character did you most want to be (most identified with)?” I always identified with Magickal folks, fairies, sorceresses, and the like. I wanted to flutter around, sprinkling glitter and joy with My Magick Wand, making the land a beautiful, happy place. I also wanted to turn horrible people into toads and slimy creatures that fit their wretched personalities, to be preyed upon for sport by powerful beings – MUAHahahahaha! My Nature has a Divine Duality: I am a Divine Sadist-Giving Goddess and The Agent of Karma.

I was born a Domina. I’ve always had “attendants” whose pleasure it was to please Me and do My bidding. This IS the Natural Order Of Things, My Natural State Of Being, and it always has been. I was the kid on the playground who created a game so that everyone could play. I understood the nature of males was to be empowered to be the builder-protectors and the females are to be revered and attended to – which is also the Natural Order Of Things. This has worked for Me every time I’ve flowed with it. As a toddler, I always led the group and in kindergarten, I not only had submissive boys who did My bidding, but even brought Me My cookies and milk on a daily basis with pomp and proper circumstance. I made them My guards of My Palace and charged them with the duty of protecting and pleasing their Queen. Those boys attended to Me until the 2nd Grade when I moved away – and got new submissives within the first week of attending My new school. That’s just the way it was and, after many trials and tribulations against My Nature, this is the way it IS by My Choice.

I have always been “different” and never “fit in.” As an adult, I realize that is because I choose to be My Best and to excel to the best of My ability in whatever I do. This could largely be because I was a frail child who spent an average of 3 months a year being ill and in and out of hospitals during My formative years. I know now that while everyone thought they were doing the right things for Me, I was forced to “be against My True Nature” – which I steadfastly believe contributed to My chronic illnesses. On top of that, I am highly sensitive and allergic to many foods and chemical medications, so one can imagine how stressful much of My childhood was for Me and My family. Now, top that crap-cake off with a chemical imbalance in My brain that results in severe depression and not being able to tolerate anti-depressants, and any intelligent person can understand My position and opinions as I Walk My Talk and am an expert in health, wellness, and Behavioral Modification – which is quite useful for training in My Domain (see My Bio).

As a child, I didn’t understand that petty jealousies and sabotage are the result of people lacking self-love. So, while I was going through life sprinkling glitter and joy with My Magick Wand, turd-tards attempted – and continue to try – to disrupt My Flow. Even people I’ve trusted and accepted as Family have had jealousy-fits and not only caused damage to My Domain, but even to My physical body. I was taught to “be the better person,” and chastised for standing up for My needs because crazy beliefs were instilled in Me that to be the better person meant to ignore the horrible behaviors of offenders – you know, that misunderstanding of the “turn the other cheek” concept (By the way, Jesus didn’t say to get beat up!).

Because We live in a world where:

  • sheeple are slaves to religions that they’ve never even thought to investigate the histories of or how the doctrines came to be (which is exactly how I discovered that being a reverend was not for Me);
  • creeple and sheeple use their religions (among other things) to play the “make-wrong game” for every expression that is connected to Nature and even use religion to justify heinous crimes such as genocide, the destruction of the planet, and cruelty to animals to name a few; and
  • big corporations control the media, Our food and healthcare, and access to information,

I, like everyone else, was brainwashed to conform to “society’s standards” – which made Me physically, mentally, and emotionally ill for the vast majority of My life. In my quest to conform, I allowed “older people,” whom I thought must be wiser from life experience to make Me wrong about everything that was true to My Nature. At the age of 17, I knew everything about human nature and how I needed to fit into the world that I know now at a considerably older age… I’ve come full circle to My Truth: I am a Fetishist – not to be confused with a kinkster (see The Difference Between Fetish & kink). The people I trusted for guidance berated Me for My feelings and observations, and some even literally told Me that I would go to hell if I continued with that line of thinking. I didn’t want to go to hell! So, I entered college to become a reverend and have My own church for all the other seekers to gain an understanding of and be closer to this foreign concept of GOD and how “right and wrong” made no sense to Me.  (I subsequently started My own religion, SpiritualHedonism™ — if L. Ron Hubbard could do it, so can I!)

I turned away from My Fetish Reality and began adapting the limiting, pseudo-religious-and-completely-misogynistic doctrines that taint society’s morals. I dated a multitude of morons – and married a few, too. Some people can fit in and believe that they are happy with conformity and sit on the couch, watching “judgment TV shows,” stuffing their faces with junk food, and blaming their poor health and miserable lives on everything and everyone else as they repeat their toxic behaviors daily. I am not one of those people. I have always wanted to be better than I was the day before and my quest for knowledge led Me to study Behavioral Therapy along with a variety of health and wellness modalities that I became a Certified Practitioner of. In My quest to Be Better, I achieved a few degrees and multiple Certifications; travelled the world with a few businesses I started; enjoyed a short career as a professional dancer and went on tour; joined scientific think-tanks; and did many exciting things I’ll keep private but which most people would kill to be able to experience. But I was not happy; I was empty inside. I had no passion for living and I felt like an alien banished to this planet because I did not relate to My contemporaries. Something great was missing.

Between constant battles with depression, feeling that life wasn’t worth the effort, and the vampires who attached to feed on Me like sharks in the ocean that can smell a drop of blood from ½-mile away, more than once, I came to a point where suicide made sense… After My children died, I spiraled into what I termed, “The Deep Blue” depression that was so horrific that I was unable to leave My bed. I felt worthless and that if I did not exist, the world would be a better place.

By the grace of The Universe, I had the loving pleasure of two, little dogs I rescued who were the reason I was able to force Myself out of bed to take them for daily walks. One day, while sitting in the dog run, a stranger began a conversation with Me that I will never forget. However, here’s the strange part: I do not recall ever meeting him, but he remembered Me from a Fetish event years before – in The Good Old Days when class, integrity, skill, and honor defined The Scene – or at least The Scene that I indulged in. The outcome of his conversation was that not only did I need something to thrill Me, but I needed to Live My Truth. When he handed Me his card which read, “submissive” with his tastefully naked photo, hands cuffed, and a collar around his neck with a chain held by a black, lady’s leather glove, he requested to be of service to Me.

What happened next is freaky enough to be a ghost story and perhaps, it is. I called and, he being a hardcore masochist, was exactly perfect to reignite My Passion with one of the most memorable Play dates I’ve ever had. I’d forgotten how intensely amazing the electricity feels as it flows through My body when I Play – and especially when I indulge in heavy, hardcore S&M. Fetish is the only expression that connects all of My senses and aligns My mind, body, and spirit in transcendent ecstasy! ALL is right in My World and The Universe when I am indulging My Fetish Expressions! What was supposed to last an evening, lasted a weekend where I was reminded of and treated like the Goddess I Am. This beloved submissive wore My marks like badges of honor as We walked through the streets and dined in fabulous restaurants. When it was time for him to leave Me, he said, “Please remember to pay it forward and help someone else to rekindle their Passion.” That was exactly something I would have said. He kissed My hand and said, “Until next lifetime.”

I had no idea what he’d meant by that until I called the following day to thank him for being so fabulous. An elderly man answered the phone, told Me that this had been his number for seven years, and that he’d never heard of the submissive… (OK, maybe this isn’t a ghost story and just an honorable release, but the ghost story is much more exciting and that’s the story I’m sticking with!)

And so, I ventured back into The New York City Scene to discover that it had significantly declined in quality during My absence and, sadly, My former associates were no longer in town. The events were loud, obnoxious, meat-market, “kink stinks” that forced Me to create My own events (much against My desire) in order to (1) have at least one Fetish event that I would enjoy and (2) attract the quality of Fetishsts that I desire to associate with. These are the reasons I continue to produce events today. I believe that if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem.

My Passion was in full force as I returned to honoring My Nature, so nothing would stand in My way. Through trial and horror, I attempted to “play nice” with the barbarians, but as the pimp-mentality males took over the dungeons and the parties – and dared to attempt to invade My Domain to dicktate their desires for My Events, I remain a lone warrior – and happily so. Money is not My god and My Events are ways to raise funds for My Charities. Every little bit helps charity so My Events range from small and intimate to larger and still intimate! (Sadly, Fetish discrimination abounds and I cannot publicize My Events in association with specific charities to prevent negative backlash to them from the ignorant “public” – which is even more ignorant due to what I call “50 Shades of Foolishness” — Protect yourself!)

Along the way, I’ve endured back-stabbing bitches; sabotage; stalkers; takers-shakers-fakers-noise-makers; psycho subs; an earthquake, a flood, 2 hurricanes – and I’ve lost all of My possessions each time; the deaths of a few, good subs (and We know how hard they are to find!); and much more that shall also remain private. Each and every time, Fetish saves Me from despair and worse because:

  • I am a Domme by Nature, not for fashion. I believe that True Dominance begins with Self-Control and I maintain My Domain (and My integrity) by remaining committed to being Who I Truly Am with no excuses or apologies;
  • I am a Giving Goddess and in My desire to give back to The Whole, I offer free advice and complimentary lessons in technique and Domain maintenance on My Website and My Ask Mss Didi* Blog;
  • I am a spiritual person and in order to balance My Sadistic Self with My Benevolent Self, I am a Responsible Sadist with the motto: Don’t start none, won’t be none; I finish it. When I am prompted to whiplash folks into the proper, respectful perspective, I always do so by planting a seed for their evolution. Like any seed, when the garden is cultivated, the seed blossoms into something beautifully beneficial. If the garden is untended and poisoned with weeds, the seed putrefies and withers into a slow and painful death. The choice always belongs to the owner of the garden where I plant the seed. As Antonio Porchia said, “I know what I have given you, I do not know what you have received;” and
  • Perhaps, most importantly, Fetish has allowed Me to know, love, and like Myself more with each passing day through Self-Acceptance, Self-Respect, Self-Control, and Self-Determination. I Am A Domme.

Over the past decade, I’ve created unique events that have attracted My New Fetish Family to Me and I founded EpicuresNYC Private Members Fetish Club which has grown to a new location and permanent home. I’ve kept My promise to pay it forward and be a beacon for those who are searching for BetterFetish™ to explore, enhance, and evolve their lives. I have helped, and continue to help, many people find their place in The Scene and find comfortable, self-respecting ways to develop along their own, unique paths to healthily integrate Fetish into their lives.

On both good and not-so-good days, knowing that I Walk My Talk and Live My Fetish in Real Time keeps Me going with Joy and a zest for Life!

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttps://askmssdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.