Tag Archives: Self-Control

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The Secrets of Happy Fetish

December 10, 2014

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

I am curious to know if its bad that I keep the BDSM thing strictly to the bedroom. Can you please explain how it works as an everyday lifestyle thing? How does one live the lifestyle without it being an abusive relationship?

Kind Regards, L.

~~~~~~~~~

Hi L,

I am waiting for My morning coffee to kick in, so please read this with a splash of humor, as I intended it.

The answer is NO, I cannot explain the answers to your questions because your questions are like: What is the purpose of Life? and What is the meaning of the Universe! Any answers to such questions will be subjective – just like the concepts of what is right and wrong for your relationship would be.

What I can offer is:

The Secrets of Happy Fetish

  • ALL things originate and end with SELF-Control: What you will and will not do/accept/reject, etc. are up to you to choose for yourself.
  • SELF-Love and Respect are integral parts of Self-Control because all CHOICES We make – whether We acknowledge that they are Our choices or not – are in direct correlation to how much We love and respect Ourselves.
  • Personal Responsibility is the Truth of All Matters.  Everything else is One’s perspective (usually based upon what We avoid facing about Ourselves).

I know, tough concepts. But really think about them and observe the evolution of your perspectives as you consider them in relation to your past and present experiences. Then, you will notice how these concepts apply in your future. This is a continuously evolving process as Our consciousness grows. It is a very powerful tool for creating Happiness.

Now, as for keeping BDSM in the bedroom, that is completely your CHOICE.  If you choose to expand from kink to Lifestyle Experience, that, too, is your CHOICE – which includes how you will DESIGN your relationship(s) with the people you CHOOSE to have in your life.  You are the creator of how BDSM and Dominance/submission – and EVERYTHING ELSE – will be in your life.

When you operate with Self-Love and Respect with Self-Control, you take Personal Responsibility for your Life Choices. This does not excuse the “creepazoid factor” – it means that instead of blaming yourself, everything, and everyone else for your experiences, you choose to learn from them and forgive yourself and others so that you can move on to freely create your Happiness.

Abuse is an agreement.  Yes, that’s also a tough thought to consider, but all effective therapies that actually help people to heal from abusive relationships involve the 3 steps I listed above and usually begin with taking Personal Responsibility for being in the relationship. It is important to note that Personal Responsibility should not be about making yourself or others wrong. Personal Responsibility IS about allowing the experience to be part of your process of evolution. Forgiveness is a huge part of that process because We must give up Our attachments to belief systems that do not support Our Happiness (the could-would-should’s).

Do understand that My Domain is uniquely Mine and that I advocate on a continuous basis that everyone is responsible for designing their Lifestyles on their terms. Having said that, here’s how I work D/s and BDSM in My Life:

1)    One of My tenets is, “From each according to his ability, to each according to My Desires” (a little Play on Marx and Engels).  So, each person who AGREES to My Terms to be allowed the enjoyments of My Domain offers unique qualities for My Happiness – or they are dismissed. End of discussion.

2)    I am a Harmonious Domme, meaning that all that drama-not-on-Broadway is not for Me. I like peace and beauty and lots of joyful amusements! My PleasurePain™ Techniques are rewards for good and proper service. My punishments are withholdings of pleasure (to put it very simply).

3)    While I am open to suggestions, it’s ultimately My way or not at all. If anyone discovers that they do not wish to comply, they are free to go. I will wish them well. Next!

4)    The VAST majority of My submissives and admirers are NOT sexual in nature (and the lucky few have cultivated the magnificence that makes them worthy!). Since most people sleaze around in the kink-mentality and call what they’re doing, “fetish,” they are too limited to comprehend the tremendous value that exists in higher-level living. I offer a LOT of FREE Mentoring; the worthy do the work. I have no concern for the rest.

5)    Which brings Me to: I take excellent care of Myself and I want what I offer. I deserve THE BEST. I do not accept anyone who identifies with being a “lowly” anything; been there, done that, it was boring.  I want people who are interested in BEING the Best they can be on a regular, evolving basis. This makes My Domain difficult for fakers-takers-shakers-noise-makers and a True Paradise for the worthy.

How I Implement The Secrets of Happy Fetish

1)    I look at each individual as an adventure and an opportunity to be an amazing chapter in My Life Story. How they show up is their choice.

2)    I stay true to My Self. I know what I want and choose for My Domain. I have learned – and continue to learn (without judging MySelf) – that whenever I think I’m being kind and deviate from what I want and from following My instincts, “turdity” will occur! I have committed to no longer taking pity on people. As I stated, I want what I offer and I deserve The Best. I choose not to accept the pitiful into My Domain because they never want to elevate their consciousness to being their bests; they always, only want to bring you down. Giant yawn…

3)    When people disappoint Me, I FORGIVE Myself first and foremost because in doing so, I give Myself the opportunity to learn about Myself and My Journey to enhance My Happiness.

a)    While I recognize “turditude,” I follow Don Miguel Ruiz’s advice in THE FOUR AGREEMENTS and I don’t take it personally because I understand that people act out against their truths and project that onto you because they are afraid to face their own, ugly realities. This is not an easy practice, but it is always worth the effort!

b)    This practice also keeps Me forever positive and feeling – and looking – fabulous! You know what they say: Looking good is the best revenge… Fortunately for all The Universe, I don’t do revenge; I Trust Karma. Karma never lets you down.

If you’re looking for “how to” do your fetish, I advise you to do a LOT of research and consider the source carefully. As I’m sure you’re aware, the majority of creeple you’ll find on popular websites are just takers-fakers-shakers-noise-makers who mostly blab to convince themselves of their fantasies and offer nothing of value.

You can take advantage of all of My Complimentary Gifts on My Websites and, if what I believe resonates with your Truth, you can choose to indulge in My Webcam Workshops.

Wishing you All The Best!

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmssdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Rules For Clear Communication

August 13, 2014

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

I want You to know that I completely disagree with [NAME WITHHELD] and I did not feel like You were trying to tell me how to be a “real Domme.” I have been thinking about Our conversation and I now see what You pointed out as “possibilities” to be true!  The sub was topping from the bottom and he did hear what he wanted to hear when he wanted to hear it.  It became clear that he was playing me!  I was explaining [what You said] to my Domme friends and request that You please say it again to make sure that we get it right.  Thank You!

Miss ShaR

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Miss ShaR,

First, I thank You for receiving My observations as possibilities and for not feeling threatened by fantasies that My intention is to dictate anything to You or that My way is the “one twue wayyy” of Dominance – like the h8ters accuse. Clearly, h8ters never realize that using that concept is a cop-out for their own feelings of ineptitude and their inability to receive or perceive beyond their limitations.

I offered what I observed as a possibility from My own personal experience; that I could be wrong; and that the possibility could be something to consider. I noticed that You repeated Yourself more than twice to the sub, who was busy being interested in what he wanted to be interested in at the event instead of doing his job, attending to You. Unless a Domme’s fetish is dealing with people with ADHD-type behaviors or repeating Herself, a sub’s lack of attention is:

  • Disrespectful to the Domme. What is a submissive’s purpose in Your Domain? To serve You on Your terms as You decide he will serve. If the sub – and especially in public – is not attentive to You, it appears to The Scene that You are at fault in his training – no matter what the real deal is. And that presents a picture for all kinds of annoying situations to think that they can make a home in Your zone because not only are first impressions lasting, but too many creeple are out here looking for any and everything negative to disrupt Your flow – even if they have to make it up;
  • A sign of a lack of commitment to his service agreement with the Domme. There are whole generations of folks who believe that they can demonstrate the worst behaviors which will inevitably be forgiven and forgotten til the next time – and each and every time. I believe that this is a poor-parenting failure that is perpetrated on a variety of levels. The brat gets away with it at the source of his relationship identity and fully expects the same from You and everyone else on the planet, evidently…; and
  • Stressful to the Domme and, subsequently (no pun intended) to the sub. While there are tons of creeple addicted to chaos, most of Us don’t want to be stressed – especially in Our Fetish Lives.

In defense of a sub, quite often, communication rules are not clearly defined and mishaps can happen. This is why I present to The Domina101™ Collective:

Rules For Clear Communication

Know What You Want

First and foremost, a Domme needs to (i) know what She wants and (ii) choose the best ways to communicate Her wants. All too often, I see people barking orders and the sub as no clue what is really being requested of him because the Dominant doesn’t really know either! Vague commands yield “non-results” and are a setup for failure all the way around. Most submissives will default to what they already know (training from someone and somewhere else) when they do not have clear directives. It is imperative to know exactly what you want to have a starting point to be able to communicate your desires.

I streamline My conversation to the best of My ability – e.g., carefully choosing explicit words for EXACTLY what I want in order to make it easy for people to understand Me. The problem is that everyone is conditioned to believe that they can magically anticipate what someone wants from what we think they should want based upon our fantasies of their lives. I suggest that You research effective communication techniques for project managers because, after all, You are managing Your Domain. You will develop Your own sense of what works for You, of course, but the more You know, the better things go!

I am also consistent. I clearly define and relay My Rules to everyone, including posting them online, for people who want to participate in My Domain to be personally responsible for adhering to them. I actually have a script so that I tell each person the exact same thing and I have them repeat what My instructions mean in their own words to ensure that misunderstandings are not on My end. Each and every time, culprits attempt to insist that their behavior was in My “best interests” while clearly disrespecting My Rules – which is always merely them enacting their own agenda without consideration for the commitment they made. Their typical next step is to attempt to feign being offended and lashing out against you (i) because their behavior is not excused and (ii) for pointing out their wrong-doing with documented facts.

The Hearing Technique:

Most of the time, people speak at each other and not with each other.  To enhance comprehension:

1)  Identify and get clear on what You want to say.

2)  Choose the simplest, most direct words to communicate what You want.

  • Further simplify by expressing it as if You were communicating with a 5-year-old. This is not to be condescending (unless that’s part of the Fetish!); it helps you to be certain that you’re being clear

3)  Ask the person(s) to repeat back to You in their own words so that YOU can be sure You communicated clearly and were heard; revise as necessary

Often, I will tell the submissive about this process so that it is further enhanced by his own awareness of and focus on the technique. How people show up is what makes it worth Your while to continue with their service to You.

I use this technique in all of My communications with Dominants and submissives alike. It takes a bit of practice – and practice cannot always guarantee perfection. Some people are committed to being disruptive (See How To Handle Disruptors). But these tools will enhance your best efforts.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmssdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

 

The “Attention Game” Fiasco

©Mss Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

UPDATE: As I predicted to My Domina101™ Divas, 1 day after I graciously responded, this idiot not only emailed Me again with unnecessary length to vampire My time and attention, he did not bother to read anything I offered to him.  AND had the audacity to use profanity to “express” himself.

ATTENTION submissives and all others: I offer My Wisdom as a courtesy; it is NOT your right and We are NOT “friends” — if We were, you would know that ALL of My Friends treat Me with the utmost respect, as I treat them.  Respect is to be offered at ALL times, and especially when you want something from Me and have offered Me nothing. 

*****

Good afternoon, Mistress Didi,

I am in relationship with my Mistress, and approximately 4 weeks ago, she told me her true feelings for me, there is nothing I won’t do for her, the only exception being, she introduced her male Dom friend into the mix about 6 weeks ago.   Now in the last week, while my Mistress was away, he has messed with my head, and he now believes I’m owned by her and him, he wants me to be his … little daddy’s girl…. This came about when I spoke to him regarding my Mistress, as I’d not been able to get in contact with her for 10 days, then over 4 days of conversations with him, he has told me, “your Mistress doesn’t want a [relationship with you]… those things he has said to me that have freaked me out…

I accept my Mistress’ authority, and will do anything she asks of me, personally I believe this will change the relationship we have built over the last seven months, and as my Mistress has told me, she doesn’t have limits and expects me not to have any either, I fear I will lose her when I try and discuss it with her.  My circumstances are… {way too much info provided not relevant to the issue — suspected fishing attempt}

Respectfully, j.

j,

Way too much info given to get to the point of what I presume your question actually is:

Q: What to do about this dom trying to take over?

ANSWER:

Begins with:

Why were you in communication with him while your Mistress was away and WHY did you not discuss this situation/your discomfort with Her immediately and before contacting Me? ( I gather from your email that this communication with the dom occurred while She has been out of communication with you, but I’m not feeling total honesty here.)

Ends with My answer that will be posted on AskMistressDidi.  I choose to answer you for My purposes to better assist others who are caught up in this same, “lacking mindset”:

your intention is to gain attention.

The “attention game” is ALWAYS useless.  It is completely and only about manipulation of everyone and everything who has glanced in your direction.

you will ONLY:

1) destroy any and everything that is good in your life by disrespecting and disappointing their trust graciously given to you;

2) do everything possible to create a chaotic mess because:

(i) you are addicted to chaos for some sad, form of self-validation; and

(ii) your end-game is to play the victim.

This is a “lacking mindset” because you do not offer anything to grow your relationship with your Mistress; you maintain the environment of neediness, helplessness, uselessness. your purpose is to enhance your Dominant’s life and you can only do this by choosing to take intelligent and respectful action with the goal of creating and being your best.

Now, while I give everyone the opportunity to recognize that We are conditioned from birth to operate from an unconscious agenda, imposed upon Us by Our upbringing, social structures, religious-stuff, etc., I ONLY support you in evolving towards being the best person you can be: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I support your integrity, and that is all.

you had the choice to tell this usurper-dom that you do not feel comfortable communicating with him until your Mistress returns and gives both of you Her permission. That always solves the problem when you are uncertain of your Dominant’s rules. Any Dominant who would have a problem with you taking this action when She has not specifically trained you to do as She desires is lacking as a Dominant – and you should consider any further steps in your relationship with this person. Any other person, Dominant or other, should respect the position you take to respect your Dominant first and foremost – which is the point of being in service to a Dominant.

I give you this: at ALL times, communicate with your Dominant to ensure that your actions are in accordance with your promise and commitment to serve Her/Him.  Secrets ONLY create painful problems that your Karma WILL punish you for – worse than what you believe your Mistress’ punishment could ever actually be.

I strongly advise you to participate in My Superior submissive Webcam Workshop (new dates to be announced very soon) that offers concrete training to ensure that much of the confusion that occurs in the D/s dynamic can be eliminated and your commitment to your submission can be excellent.

To assist you with basic, Fetish Etiquette, I also advise you to download and read My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide, How To Present yourself To A Mistress.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopsNews


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Why you Don’t & Won’t Have What you Want

UPDATED

Dear Mistress Didi*,

You were unfair to dismiss me…  i tried my best to serve You…  You didn’t give me a chance… [Other whining without acknowledging responsibility omitted.]

‑ “pitty-me” sub

I encourage people, especially Dominants, to pass this on to subs, “wanna-subs,” and others who dare to attempt to guilt You into tolerating their abominable behaviors.

PAY ATTENTION:

I am consistent for a reason: to maintain the excellence of My Domain on My terms and to thwart whining attempts to top from the bottom and other idiot behaviors by manipulative creatures.  The Rules of My Domain are provided to EVERYONE, listed on My websites, and even listed on The DommeSalon™ site so that there are NO valid reasons nor opportunities for irresponsible, whiny, outrage that you do not have what you want — and you never will — not from Me or anyone of value.

I am unique.  I take the time to be as clear as possible by writing My requirements and making them available to EVERY person who desires to be a part of My Domain and I also make My Rules publicly available.  VERY few Dominants do this – why they don’t baffles Me when the practice cuts down on the fakers, shakers, and annoyance makers.  The process I use for My Rules is consistent with how I run My Domain and My businesses.  I seldom, if ever, deviate from this process because it is the deal-breaker when people want to “work their idiocy.”

When your intention is to use a situation to accommodate who you think you are without respect for the situation, you deny the opportunity for growth of any kind and you will always end up being deficient from the same pattern of behavior as demonstrated by your failure in My Domain:

1)  you psyche yourself into believing you are worthy of a situation that thrills you – that you do NOT have in your life, but which you DO want.  Many people see a BDSM movie and, just because they think they are amused by identifyng with a Dominant or get a stirring in their loins from thoughts of being a submissive, they believe that they ARE already this fantasy as a reality. Foolishly, because you know that you’re full of XXXX, you want to believe that I am – though I repeat Myself when I tell everyone that this world and way of being is My REALITY AND MY LIFESTYLE.

I often encounter this scenario with newbie Dominants who, after seeking My counsel and tutelage, get carried away and think they can tell ME how to be a Domme…  What’s worse are the ones who forget their manners and dare to think they can dick-tate the terms of Our relationship to Me (see Confusing Dominance For Bullying).

2)  you RECEIVE AND AGREE to My Rules, which I email to you prior to permitting you to connect with Me for service and you say anything to get moving on your scheme of crazy thinking that I will acquiesce to the ridiculous standards that you are accustomed to with the silly females (and males) in your life.

What always amazes Me is how any of you can think that you are so “special” that I will suddenly NOT maintain the Domain I’ve built and have sustained for the greater part of My life because you popped up wanting the same thing I’ve heard for many years and continue to hear day in and day out.  None of you are ever original; same stupidity, different moron.

REMEMBER:  you want What I Have and Who I Am because on your deepest level, you know that the value given to you by the silly females/males in your realm is FALSE.   you need Me and Mine to desperately try to convince yourself otherwise.   you should be grateful to these silly people and treat them better.  Their delusional love for and about you may be all you have to get you through your life.  While less than what you want and deserve, at least, be worthy of them.

3)  you LIE and attempt to cheat by not honoring your agreement/following instructions and try to shirk your responsibility in all aspects of the scenario.  Worse, you dare to pull a “brat attack.”  I do not see how anyone with an iota of intelligence can think that I will be guilty for NOT accepting your choice to be inferior.

4)  Soon, you realize that you’ve dug your own grave because, again, I HAVE WHAT you WANT, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  I graciously gave you the chance to step up and show up to be worthy of what you want and you failed.  That recognition of your reality is going to eat at you for an eternity.  Why?  Because:

  • you maintain delusions of believing you are greater than you will ever be because you do NO work to be better;
  • you will always be inferior because you are lazy and ludicrous; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and, therefore, will fail in your goals by either doing a half-azzed job which will result in ineptitude or by not realizing them at all.  you will remain a loser.

5)  When you fail in your pathetic tirade to Me, you run to any and every loser who will gobble your maligning tales against Me like the toxic, gluttons they are.  you will then foolishly believe that you found your niche and a “community” where you can live out your fantasies. The only thing you will find are others who mirror your inadequacies.  your reputation will become known by Quality Fetishists and humans, who will shun you.  The more you associate with slime, the faster your lack of value will be noticeable by those who actually have what you desire.

Think of it this way:  puss starts small and expands –> gangrene –> amputation –> discard of the useless appendage –> beauty marred and functionality impaired –> life sux more and is harder.  

IMPORTANT NOTE:  This analogy is meant to connect a personality defect to the physical level for better conceptual comprehension.  If you are a soldier who lost a limb(s) honorably, NO ONE OF VALUE will consider you less beautiful and definitely not less functional because soldiers are miraculous people who CAN do anything.  Remove your greatness from anyone who does not appreciate you.  This is why it is so important for Us to SUPPORT OUR TROOPS, VOTE FOR Veteran Benefits, and pay attention to who/which pundits do not (always the same creatures who want to send everyone else’s children to war).

While there are a lot like you, there is only one Me.  you will quickly be replaced by those who are always waiting in line to serve Me and those who follow The Rules are always granted sanctuary in My Domain.  Those who enact the mediocre behaviors that define you will join you in the world of sleaze, greed, and irresponsible dangers parading as fetishists in the world today.

Summary

  • you are delusional in your views of yourself and when given the opportunity to indulge in what someone else created that you want, you refuse to do any work to be worthy of it;
  • you lack respect for what you want and those who have created it and you lie, cheat, and attempt to defame when you fail; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and you will remain a pathetic loser.

AGAIN, I advise you to download and read My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide, How To Present yourself To A Mistress.

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
Mss Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com
www.Blackthornz.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook

Workshops

http://askmssdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

Rejection

Dear Mistress Didi*,

i’ve done everything to make a particular Domme accept me for service and She said no.  I can’t understand why and not knowing what else to do is really bothering me.  i’m going to see Her this weekend at an event and confront Her.  Do You have any advice for me?

‑ notta quitter

Dear notta quitter,

Whenever you are rejected, remember 3 things:

1)    Trust that there is something (or someone) that is right for you;

2)    Look at rejection as an opportunity to learn from the experience.  Ask yourself these valuable questions:

  • How do you feel?  Angry, belittled, despondent, etc.?  Negative feelings are indications of what you feel you’re lacking in yourself.  All too often, We can set Ourselves up for let-downs because We are placing Our self-valuation on another person’s response to Us.  In other words, you are defining your worth based on another person’s treatment (acceptance) of you.
    .
  • Why do you feel this way?  Be honest.  Looking for the answers to this question will show you the covert, manipulative thoughts that are your hidden expectations.  Most of the time, your reaction to rejection is based on the fact that you can’t have the fantasy you created in your head.  There are no guarantees in any relationship.  All things must be agreed to and worked on with integrity.
    .
  • What qualities do you really desire to have in your life?  This question is important to determine not only what and why you want to be in service (or be in any situation), but what type of person (or situation) you are willing to commit yourself to having in your life.  Yes, commitment is paramount.  No Quality Domme wants to put the effort into training you to Her liking for you to do a half-hearted job, even at failing.  Failure ALWAYS occurs when the idea of service in your head has no relation to the reality of actually doing anything to serve.  Dedication must be the fuel for your desire in order to achieve your goals.  When you know the type of person or situation you want in your life, only then can you make the proper commitment and be worthy of having Her or it.
    .
  • What can you do better next time?  Never give up your search for the right Domme and, many times, you must deal with trial and error.  But each experience will teach you something about yourself IF you are willing to learn instead of playing the make-wrong-game.

I have provided a most valuable and complimentary service to The Community to educate folks in Fetish Etiquette because I detest the lack of grace and manners that abominate The Scene.  Download My Complimentary, How To Present yourself To A Mistress Guide (which is also an excellent tool for Dominants to use as a resource) and READ IT.  I highly recommend that Dominants refer prospective subs to read it as a primer.

Now, I’ve taken the time to write the guide and I’m even offering it for FREE.  I refer ALL to read it and I measure the worth of a potential submissive based on how s/he approaches Me.  It is always clear whether or not a person reads My guide.  It is a very useful tool for measuring a person’s dedication from the very beginning.

3)    Let it go.  Don’t be an annoyance; respect the rejection and move on with your life.  Do not harass and definitely do not become an idiot-stalker – get a life!  And be responsible for your life.  The longer you hold onto things that are obviously NOT for you, the longer you will stifle the achievement of your goals. If your paths cross, be polite and say hello, and leave it at that.  If you find yourself continuing to fixate on a situation that has been made clear is NOT for you, seek professional assistance because there is definitely something wrong with your way of thinking that will only cause you grief and trouble on a variety of levels.  Choose to be healthy and well mentally, physically, and spiritually.

You must understand:

1)    It is a Dominant’s prerogative to accept and/or reject anyone She wishes from Her (or his) Domain.  She does not have to give you a reason and it is often best not to know Her reasons.  Sometimes, a Domme is looking for something specific and most will outline Their requirements in Their web pages and online profiles.  It is probable that your skill set, etc. does not meet what She is looking for and nothing more than that.  Spending time trying to figure out why another person does whatever they do is a waste of your time.  I am the type of Dominant Who definitely tells you why I reject/eject you from My Domain with the purpose of you (1) making improvements to whatever caused you to be rejected and (2) assisting you to not waste any more of either of Our time and to find the right Dominant for you.  However, not every Dominant is like Me.

2)    The sad truth is that the VAST majority of “submissives” are not truly submissive at all.  Basic manners, paying attention to requirements to apply for service to Us, reading information about Who We Are and What We Want, and everything that should be common sense and courtesy are usually ignored because most people are only interested in their kinks and fantasies of how they want Us to serve themSee “submissive vs. substandard.”  Did you follow instructions when you applied for service to Her?  Or were you in a hurry?  Did you even read the information She provided for you to understand what She wants and how She wants it?  Or did you just lust over Her photos?  We really do have better things to do than deal with time-wasting-energy-thieves, which is why We take the time to write Our requirements for all to read.  As I’ve mentioned, I require all potentials to read My Etiquette Guide and I immediately know if they did or didn’t – which significantly saves Me precious time and energy.

3)    Also, if you approached Her with your kinks, you can bet that you’ve turned off a Quality Domme.  Unless the person is just in it for kinks herself, the Domme will want all of the fabulous fanfare and protocol that is part of the definition of Fetish as a Lifestyle.  And, if She asks you to tell Her about your Fetishes – like I do – be certain to be as cordial as possible.  Don’t address Her like you’re talking to one of the boys or to a sex worker – even if she is a sex worker.

When you find yourself stuck – for example, fixated on a person or situation; stuck in a rut or dead-end job – it is a sign that you are not facing fear that is controlling you.  Being stuck is literally an inability and/or refusal to move forward, which only holds you back from fulfilling your desires.  The feeling of being stuck is not just emotional, it is also physical and can result in symptoms like constipation, indigestion, headaches, and issues with the lower back, legs, and feet.  The best way to get over a useless situation is to get on top of a useful one.  Do something useful for yourself to shift your mindset from having a sense of loss to gaining perspective, experience, etc.  Exercise, learn a new skill, take a class, read a book, etc.  As the expression goes:

Backwards never forwards ever.

Good luck.

P.S.: April 4, 2014:  Here’s a great video from Kute Blackson: Overcoming the FEAR of Rejection!

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
Mss Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com
www.Blackthornz.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

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Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.