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AskMistressDidi.com

Permission or Forgiveness?

©Mss Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

August 9, 2015

Domina101™ Tip”

“It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.” – Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper

That depends on the type of person you are and who you’re dealing with. Ask yourself:

Do you prefer to TRUST someone to ask your permission to do something you may say no to, or do you prefer to TRUST that someone will apologize (or make amends) for doing something you didn’t want them to do?

Trust, after all, is the main dynamic in the D/s relationship and in all relationships of all kinds.

Before I go further, I offer this for your consideration: When you search that quote and the multitude of egocentric variations that you’ll find, be aware that:

(1) This quote is used for THE most selfish, turd-tards to excuse their offenses; and

(2) It’s stupid to adopt this philosophy because there are scary people out here…

Read on…

One of the most important things a Domme (or anyone) can know to improve Domain Maintenance is whether you are a Forgiveness person or a Permission person. The difference between these two personality characteristics is truly like night and day.

A Permission person, like Me, requires you to ask before doing. While I’ve been accused of being a Type A personality, control-freak (usually by the idiots who thought they were smarter than they are and failed to manipulate Me), I am a thinker and a planner. I intensely dislike wastes of My time. As anyone knows who takes even a glimpse at My Websites can see, I carefully, clearly, and thoroughly detail exactly what I wish to convey. I make things easy for people who are not lazy and careless to succeed with Me.

I really do know what I want and am very specific about exactly how I am and how I want things in My Domain. If an error is made, I accept My responsibility for it. If you make the error without asking My permission, you diminish your value to Me because it takes too much unnecessary work for Me to forgive you for disrespecting My Process. While I make it a point to “do forgiveness,” (you should read this) I don’t guarantee that offenders will not suffer. Just saying.

It’s a mistake when someone decides that they:

(1) are going to do what they want and that I’ll get over it. No, I get over you and dismiss you from My Domain – never to return. Understand that I have banished blood relatives for offending Me, so no one is exempt from this choice.;

(2) know better than I do about what I really want. No, I carefully think, research, and plan accordingly before I express My wishes. I’ll add that, unlike most people, I take into consideration the well-being of others involved in the scenarios and ask them appropriately. So, I intensely dislike people making (usually half-azzed) decisions for Me when they can easily ask Me; and/or

(3) try to play the victim to avoid their responsibility for offending Me. That’s a stupid move that never works – never “play victim” with a Sadist! You won’t like the torture.

A Forgiveness person is usually someone who says, “make it happen,” or “you handle it.” Sometimes, these people have specific rules for you, but if they don’t, they prefer to deal with situations after the fact. Forgiveness people are more easily satisfied with apologies where Permission people may need a lot more convincing that you’re sorry – you will have to prove yourself. Forgiveness people are apt to give you more chances where Permission people, like Me, have very strict limits and We tell you what they are at the beginning of Our relationships. Permission people feel disrespected by your audacity to take matters in Their Domains into your own hands on your terms. It’s never good to offend Us.

It is My experience that Forgiveness people often find themselves feeling taken advantage of because, sadly in this day and age, selfishness and self-absorption are the modus operandi for the majority. Most of the letters I receive for Ask Mss Didi* advice are from Dommes whose trust and kindness have been betrayed.

Equally important, is knowing what type of person you’re dealing with. The Forgiveness submissive may actually be a “brat” who gets off on causing you distress just to gain excusal for his behavior – until the next time, and to see how much further he can go. I find these creatures contemptible. The Permission sub can go overboard by needing your permission for everything, which can be annoying. Permission subs can also struggle with topping from the bottom because they have their own issues with giving permission to others.

While every Domme has Her own way of managing Her Domain, knowing which type of person YOU are will assist your training processes so that you are not drained and disappointed. While We all encounter the “usual suspects” of fakers-takers-shakers-noise-makers, knowing how you operate is a strong tool for maintaining your sanity as well as your Domain. It is easier to design appropriate strategies for peaceful Domain maintenance.

ADDENDUM AUGUST 12, 2015

A Personal Tip

One of My Training Tools — for submissives as well as for My own success — is to regularly review PURPOSE:

  1. What My Purpose for the person is in My Domain;
  2. How the person’s desires fit in with Mine; and
  3. Does the person warrant the amount of training effort I extend.

I often see Dominants “working the whining” game — coddling, fighting, etc., less than compliant behaviors from people claiming to serve Them and, in essence, enabling excuses rather than excellence.  This is why (1) establishing clear rules and methods for communication are paramount BEFORE beginning any type of relationship, Fetish or otherwise, and (2) setting boundaries and limits for continuation or dismissal are paramount.  While there are many horrors in the world, desperate Dominants are high on My list of what is pathetic.  Food for thought…

Which are you: A Permission or Forgiveness Domme? (person?)

Thoughtful Resources:

Respect – How To’s

5 Golden Keys to Assertiveness and Setting Boundaries

How To Accept An Apology – especially #7

Respecting Other People’s Wishes

How to Maintain a Relationship with a Loved One Who’s Hurt You

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmssdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gifBeing a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

AskMistressDidi.com

The Martyr Syndrome

May, 2015

This post is in response to a letter about a situation that may “out” the parties involved, which is why I choose to omit it. They know who they are and, hopefully, this article will help them evolve to their true greatness – beyond the limitations of stories they tell.


There is a philosophy that souls are born to learn lessons and that your duty to the Gift of Life is to evolve into being the best you can be on all levels. I subscribe to this philosophy and by practicing Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Checking In With Myself to respond to situations rather than react to them. My ultimate concern is always My Karma.

We live in a world that is contrary to logic and Natural Energy: everything is set up to make you wrong so that someone can be less than their best and exert power over you. From the time that We’re born, society, religious structures, family, and educational institutions teach Us that it’s better to damage people, places, and things than it is to admit that We are wrong. This twisted habit yields selfish creeple who do not apologize, who engage in sabotage, who cast suspicions of their own emotional immaturity and nefarious intentions on others with the insistence that everyone is as treacherous as they are – because if that were not true, they could not be right while doing wrongful things.

People will always look to make others wrong to avoid (1) facing their feelings about themselves, (2) facing their bad behavior and taking personal responsibility for it, (3) making changes, and (4) apologizing for anything — especially for offending you. Many go so far as to offend you and then insist on being offended that you dare to be upset and/or call them on it! Some people become screaming accusers, attempting to defame your character to every- and anyone they can wrangle to listen. This is an epidemic on antisocial sites where trolls and gossips gather to be ugly. Others pick specific people in your circles to plant seeds of their victimhood and the more sympathy they get from the greedy gossips they carefully choose, the more they can be seen as martyrs.

The Martyr Syndrome is a setup to avoid facing one’s true feelings about who you know you really are whenever faced with a discrepancy in who you want to believe you are. Martyrs want to believe that they are generous, kind, and caring and that everyone else is out to take advantage of them. Martyrs appear to be popular because they always create audiences to tell their tales of woe. In truth, they have few friends because they don’t know how to receive the kindness and care that they want to believe they are capable of giving. They suspect everyone else of the avarice within them so they must accuse others before they’re found out and accused.

You can always catch a martyr in high form when they make a mistake. In the panic that they will be perceived as negligent, unprofessional, devious, [insert appropriate adjective here], they invent offenses done to them by the very people their actions have offended. This is a sign of extreme emotional immaturity and, usually, poor upbringing to believe that as long as they can create a feeling of being offended by those whom they have actually offended, they are “pardoned” for their own wrong-doings. Martyrs will go so far as to repeat their “offended stories” so many times that they even suppress all memories of their true behaviors that sparked them to work the syndrome in the first place.  Even in the face of proof that they are liars, martyrs will ignore it in this moment, and repeat their lies at the next opportunity they have a captive audience.

The Martyr Syndrome is a sure sign of low self-esteem. Even people who are very accomplished have feelings of failure and martyrs attempt to mask their feelings of unworthiness with the illusion of doing good deeds. This is not to say that amazing people like Mother Theresa was not sincere in her work, but how many Mother Theresa’s do you know compared to people who work the Martyr Syndrome?

Signs of The Martyr Syndrome

The conversations of people with The Martyr Syndrome:

1)    Allude to how they generously take care of family, friends, associates – as if these people should be indebted to them, but they would never look for anything in return. This is a setup in martyrs’ minds that they are capable of giving without expecting something in return – the opposite is usually true. In fact, martyrs are usually unable to receive in one way or another;

2)    Always regale how they do favors for people who abuse their kindness somehow – especially when money is involved. 2 considerations: (i) While they love money, they don’t want to be seen as greedy and (ii) they believe that “business” associates will be hooked to believe in their integrity by the stories of how their profits and opportunities for prosperity have been thwarted. Martyrs count on the dynamics of their tales of woe so that they will not be questioned or asked for proof of their story’s validity; and

3)    Give “martyr performances” in groups and to people they believe will contribute to damaging the reputation of the person they have offended. Not only do they gain pity-party attention, but they can achieve their true goal: to belittle the character of the person they offended to insist to themselves that (i) the person they wronged is not a good person; (ii) they are not at fault for any wrong-doing (real or imagined) and/or they are justified for the wrong-doing and character maligning; and (iii) they “sucker people in” to fortify their false persona of being a “good person.”

How To Handle The Martyr Syndrome

1)    Pay attention to the conversation for the elements mentioned above. This is not to say that heinous creeple have not offended folks – anyone reading this has been a victim, even if you are the creep. Once you hear the patterns, be on the lookout for being their next pity-party subject. Martyrs also have a victim-story every time you speak to or about them – whether they’re telling the story or someone else tells a tale when their name comes up in conversation.

2)    Put everything – yes, everything – in writing when making arrangements with everyone.   This is a good practice to back up what is understood, clarify what is not understood, and prove negligence. Sadly, very few people honor their word.

3)    Attempt to communicate (in writing) when they begin their “martyr performance” setup – which is “being offended” by you. Most martyrs prefer to talk about you than to communicate with you. When you have things in writing, you have proof of who is actually the creep should you need it.

4)    Forgiveness, Gratitude, Pity & Karma. Utilize these tools because they will save and improve your life on all fronts!

a)    Forgiveness is not for the offender; it is for your peace of mind. Being offended is a form of h8tred and like acid, it destroys the vessel that contains it. (For those smart-alec friends, you are not glass!)

b)   Make the best use of pity and compassion. Having compassion and pity alleviates your own disappointment and annoyance of having to deal with The Martyr Syndrome.   When you consider how sad it must be for a person to be so trapped in a lack of self-love that they have to create a psychotic episode in order to avoid facing their truth, you can also be grateful that you are not suffering with the same affliction.

c)    Be grateful that this person showed you who-what-how they are so that you do not make a bigger investment in dealing with them. I usually set up a little “test run” situation to see how people behave when given opportunities and to see if they are worthy of doing important “business” with them.

d)    The Law of Karma can (sort-of) be trimmed down to a quick definition of what you do comes back to you multiplied along with The Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do to you). I have also been advised that Karma is how you care for yourself (how your actions in your past affect-your present-affects your future – can you sleep at night?). I always do My best to act in accordance with the highest for My Karma. So, knowing that My actions with someone working The Martyr Syndrome is not about Me at all – it is their reaction and dedication to avoiding facing the truth about their own self-worth – I can forgive, have gratitude for the lesson I’ve learned, and move forward to better choices, better people, and BetterFetish™!

Another note: give yourself plenty of time to “get over yourself” because for all of the awareness you may have about the situation, unresolved anger will most likely surface should the martyr do what-they-do in your future. I’ve found that My best cure for the problem is to avoid dealing with the martyr until I have not only released My anger, but I can completely let the person out of My life with no emotional attachment whatsoever should their commitment to their martyrdom be more important to them than My friendship. I deserve better friends.

If you’re suffering from The Martyr Syndrome, you may find, “How To Overcome The Martyr Syndrome” valuable.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmssdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gifBeing a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Mss Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

How Fetish Saved My Life

Dear Mistress Didi,

I’ve often heard You say that Fetish saved Your life. Please tell!

Domina D.


Dear Domina D.,

The short answer is that when I accepted My True Nature as a Fetishist, I became well, whole, and happy to BE ME. Whenever I say that, people ask Me how I achieved this state of Grace. I will attempt to answer that question here.

I recently conducted a workshop in My vanilla life where participants were asked, “As a child, what type of literary/movie/etc. character did you most want to be (most identified with)?” I always identified with Magickal folks, fairies, sorceresses, and the like. I wanted to flutter around, sprinkling glitter and joy with My Magick Wand, making the land a beautiful, happy place. I also wanted to turn horrible people into toads and slimy creatures that fit their wretched personalities, to be preyed upon for sport by powerful beings – MUAHahahahaha! My Nature has a Divine Duality: I am a Divine Sadist-Giving Goddess and The Agent of Karma.

I was born a Domina. I’ve always had “attendants” whose pleasure it was to please Me and do My bidding. This IS the Natural Order Of Things, My Natural State Of Being, and it always has been. I was the kid on the playground who created a game so that everyone could play. I understood the nature of males was to be empowered to be the builder-protectors and the females are to be revered and attended to – which is also the Natural Order Of Things. This has worked for Me every time I’ve flowed with it. As a toddler, I always led the group and in kindergarten, I not only had submissive boys who did My bidding, but even brought Me My cookies and milk on a daily basis with pomp and proper circumstance. I made them My guards of My Palace and charged them with the duty of protecting and pleasing their Queen. Those boys attended to Me until the 2nd Grade when I moved away – and got new submissives within the first week of attending My new school. That’s just the way it was and, after many trials and tribulations against My Nature, this is the way it IS by My Choice.

I have always been “different” and never “fit in.” As an adult, I realize that is because I choose to be My Best and to excel to the best of My ability in whatever I do. This could largely be because I was a frail child who spent an average of 3 months a year being ill and in and out of hospitals during My formative years. I know now that while everyone thought they were doing the right things for Me, I was forced to “be against My True Nature” – which I steadfastly believe contributed to My chronic illnesses. On top of that, I am highly sensitive and allergic to many foods and chemical medications, so one can imagine how stressful much of My childhood was for Me and My family. Now, top that crap-cake off with a chemical imbalance in My brain that results in severe depression and not being able to tolerate anti-depressants, and any intelligent person can understand My position and opinions as I Walk My Talk and am an expert in health, wellness, and Behavioral Modification – which is quite useful for training in My Domain (see My Bio).

As a child, I didn’t understand that petty jealousies and sabotage are the result of people lacking self-love. So, while I was going through life sprinkling glitter and joy with My Magick Wand, turd-tards attempted – and continue to try – to disrupt My Flow. Even people I’ve trusted and accepted as Family have had jealousy-fits and not only caused damage to My Domain, but even to My physical body. I was taught to “be the better person,” and chastised for standing up for My needs because crazy beliefs were instilled in Me that to be the better person meant to ignore the horrible behaviors of offenders – you know, that misunderstanding of the “turn the other cheek” concept (By the way, Jesus didn’t say to get beat up!).

Because We live in a world where:

  • sheeple are slaves to religions that they’ve never even thought to investigate the histories of or how the doctrines came to be (which is exactly how I discovered that being a reverend was not for Me);
  • creeple and sheeple use their religions (among other things) to play the “make-wrong game” for every expression that is connected to Nature and even use religion to justify heinous crimes such as genocide, the destruction of the planet, and cruelty to animals to name a few; and
  • big corporations control the media, Our food and healthcare, and access to information,

I, like everyone else, was brainwashed to conform to “society’s standards” – which made Me physically, mentally, and emotionally ill for the vast majority of My life. In my quest to conform, I allowed “older people,” whom I thought must be wiser from life experience to make Me wrong about everything that was true to My Nature. At the age of 17, I knew everything about human nature and how I needed to fit into the world that I know now at a considerably older age… I’ve come full circle to My Truth: I am a Fetishist – not to be confused with a kinkster (see The Difference Between Fetish & kink). The people I trusted for guidance berated Me for My feelings and observations, and some even literally told Me that I would go to hell if I continued with that line of thinking. I didn’t want to go to hell! So, I entered college to become a reverend and have My own church for all the other seekers to gain an understanding of and be closer to this foreign concept of GOD and how “right and wrong” made no sense to Me.  (I subsequently started My own religion, SpiritualHedonism™ — if L. Ron Hubbard could do it, so can I!)

I turned away from My Fetish Reality and began adapting the limiting, pseudo-religious-and-completely-misogynistic doctrines that taint society’s morals. I dated a multitude of morons – and married a few, too. Some people can fit in and believe that they are happy with conformity and sit on the couch, watching “judgment TV shows,” stuffing their faces with junk food, and blaming their poor health and miserable lives on everything and everyone else as they repeat their toxic behaviors daily. I am not one of those people. I have always wanted to be better than I was the day before and my quest for knowledge led Me to study Behavioral Therapy along with a variety of health and wellness modalities that I became a Certified Practitioner of. In My quest to Be Better, I achieved a few degrees and multiple Certifications; travelled the world with a few businesses I started; enjoyed a short career as a professional dancer and went on tour; joined scientific think-tanks; and did many exciting things I’ll keep private but which most people would kill to be able to experience. But I was not happy; I was empty inside. I had no passion for living and I felt like an alien banished to this planet because I did not relate to My contemporaries. Something great was missing.

Between constant battles with depression, feeling that life wasn’t worth the effort, and the vampires who attached to feed on Me like sharks in the ocean that can smell a drop of blood from ½-mile away, more than once, I came to a point where suicide made sense… After My children died, I spiraled into what I termed, “The Deep Blue” depression that was so horrific that I was unable to leave My bed. I felt worthless and that if I did not exist, the world would be a better place.

By the grace of The Universe, I had the loving pleasure of two, little dogs I rescued who were the reason I was able to force Myself out of bed to take them for daily walks. One day, while sitting in the dog run, a stranger began a conversation with Me that I will never forget. However, here’s the strange part: I do not recall ever meeting him, but he remembered Me from a Fetish event years before – in The Good Old Days when class, integrity, skill, and honor defined The Scene – or at least The Scene that I indulged in. The outcome of his conversation was that not only did I need something to thrill Me, but I needed to Live My Truth. When he handed Me his card which read, “submissive” with his tastefully naked photo, hands cuffed, and a collar around his neck with a chain held by a black, lady’s leather glove, he requested to be of service to Me.

What happened next is freaky enough to be a ghost story and perhaps, it is. I called and, he being a hardcore masochist, was exactly perfect to reignite My Passion with one of the most memorable Play dates I’ve ever had. I’d forgotten how intensely amazing the electricity feels as it flows through My body when I Play – and especially when I indulge in heavy, hardcore S&M. Fetish is the only expression that connects all of My senses and aligns My mind, body, and spirit in transcendent ecstasy! ALL is right in My World and The Universe when I am indulging My Fetish Expressions! What was supposed to last an evening, lasted a weekend where I was reminded of and treated like the Goddess I Am. This beloved submissive wore My marks like badges of honor as We walked through the streets and dined in fabulous restaurants. When it was time for him to leave Me, he said, “Please remember to pay it forward and help someone else to rekindle their Passion.” That was exactly something I would have said. He kissed My hand and said, “Until next lifetime.”

I had no idea what he’d meant by that until I called the following day to thank him for being so fabulous. An elderly man answered the phone, told Me that this had been his number for seven years, and that he’d never heard of the submissive… (OK, maybe this isn’t a ghost story and just an honorable release, but the ghost story is much more exciting and that’s the story I’m sticking with!)

And so, I ventured back into The New York City Scene to discover that it had significantly declined in quality during My absence and, sadly, My former associates were no longer in town. The events were loud, obnoxious, meat-market, “kink stinks” that forced Me to create My own events (much against My desire) in order to (1) have at least one Fetish event that I would enjoy and (2) attract the quality of Fetishsts that I desire to associate with. These are the reasons I continue to produce events today. I believe that if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem.

My Passion was in full force as I returned to honoring My Nature, so nothing would stand in My way. Through trial and horror, I attempted to “play nice” with the barbarians, but as the pimp-mentality males took over the dungeons and the parties – and dared to attempt to invade My Domain to dicktate their desires for My Events, I remain a lone warrior – and happily so. Money is not My god and My Events are ways to raise funds for My Charities. Every little bit helps charity so My Events range from small and intimate to larger and still intimate! (Sadly, Fetish discrimination abounds and I cannot publicize My Events in association with specific charities to prevent negative backlash to them from the ignorant “public” – which is even more ignorant due to what I call “50 Shades of Foolishness” — Protect yourself!)

Along the way, I’ve endured back-stabbing bitches; sabotage; stalkers; takers-shakers-fakers-noise-makers; psycho subs; an earthquake, a flood, 2 hurricanes – and I’ve lost all of My possessions each time; the deaths of a few, good subs (and We know how hard they are to find!); and much more that shall also remain private. Each and every time, Fetish saves Me from despair and worse because:

  • I am a Domme by Nature, not for fashion. I believe that True Dominance begins with Self-Control and I maintain My Domain (and My integrity) by remaining committed to being Who I Truly Am with no excuses or apologies;
  • I am a Giving Goddess and in My desire to give back to The Whole, I offer free advice and complimentary lessons in technique and Domain maintenance on My Website and My Ask Mss Didi* Blog;
  • I am a spiritual person and in order to balance My Sadistic Self with My Benevolent Self, I am a Responsible Sadist with the motto: Don’t start none, won’t be none; I finish it. When I am prompted to whiplash folks into the proper, respectful perspective, I always do so by planting a seed for their evolution. Like any seed, when the garden is cultivated, the seed blossoms into something beautifully beneficial. If the garden is untended and poisoned with weeds, the seed putrefies and withers into a slow and painful death. The choice always belongs to the owner of the garden where I plant the seed. As Antonio Porchia said, “I know what I have given you, I do not know what you have received;” and
  • Perhaps, most importantly, Fetish has allowed Me to know, love, and like Myself more with each passing day through Self-Acceptance, Self-Respect, Self-Control, and Self-Determination. I Am A Domme.

Over the past decade, I’ve created unique events that have attracted My New Fetish Family to Me and I founded EpicuresNYC Private Members Fetish Club which has grown to a new location and permanent home. I’ve kept My promise to pay it forward and be a beacon for those who are searching for BetterFetish™ to explore, enhance, and evolve their lives. I have helped, and continue to help, many people find their place in The Scene and find comfortable, self-respecting ways to develop along their own, unique paths to healthily integrate Fetish into their lives.

On both good and not-so-good days, knowing that I Walk My Talk and Live My Fetish in Real Time keeps Me going with Joy and a zest for Life!

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmssdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

©Mss Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

The Difference Between Fetish & Kink

©Mss Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

April 20, 2015

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

Can you please explain the difference between Fetish and kink?

Respectfully, sub5b

~~~~~~~~~

Dear sub5b,

First, I qualify My Statements by owning My Responsibility for My Experience and My Reality. Everyone else will have their own, unique experiences and expressions that are valid to them. And many more will have fantasies of experiences to insist are valid to attempt to invalidate others.

Fetish is the entire dynamic of personal and inter-personal expression. Fetish is how you feel on all levels – physical, mental, spiritual, emotional – about something (an activity, object, etc.) that makes you have a sense of wholeness. Fetish is inspirational and gives you a thrill to be alive! When you are connected through your Fetish, you experience a heightened sense of awareness which brings you to a more fulfilling understanding of yourself. Fetish makes you feel great about who and how you are.

Fetish is the Art of Sensuality beyond the mere physical realm of sexuality. When you respect your Fetish Self, you transcend the mundane entrapments of the vanilla world. Fetish, when respected and cultivated, is a Life Art that continues to evolve with your experience of it.

For example, I’m a Shoe Fetishist and when I wear My shoes, I indulge in how they look on My feet, how the shape of My legs are accented, how I feel when I walk-sit-stand in them, how I coordinate the accessories, how I feel when I trample someone in them, and so much more! There is a glowing, empowering energy in the center of My Being when I get My Shoe Fetish on! And I am thrilled to be alive!

Fetish is empowering and takes you to new heights in your experience and existence!

Kink is only something that is used to achieve some state of sexual satisfaction. The end goal is the orgasm, which leaves out the nuances of Artistic Sex and, all too often, is bereft of interpersonal connection beyond the orgasm.  In other words, are you merely a means to an end?

Fetish expressions can be used for kink pursuits, but kink is a poor substitute for Fetish Experience. Think of it this way: Fetish is the whole cake with frosting and the sprinkles on top are kink. You can enjoy cake without sprinkles because it has the many ingredients, skillfully and deliciously prepared and presented for total enjoyment. Sprinkles by themselves are just sprinkles; they make a poor substitute for a delectable dessert. And, or course, there’s cake and there’s cake. The quality of the ingredients and the skill of the baker determines the excellence of the cake.

As you know, I promote Fetish as Therapeutic Art and am only interested in Quality Fetishists whose interests go beyond the “tip of the drip.” Unlike most people, I don’t create events to make money (most of My Events raise funds for My Chairites) – which is one reason why I do not hold My Events in dinky-dives. The other reason is that I do not patronize dinky-dives! I design events for excellent experiences; I don’t just put up a few pieces of equipment and have an “anyone goes” policy. Attendees at My Events have an opportunity to engage in intelligent conversation, share experiences, participate in eloquent Play, and practice techniques that are taught in My Party Classes, all while enjoying hand-picked, fine beverages and gourmet hors d’oeuvres in an elegant environment. My dj’s carefully design music mixes to My specifications to relaxingly, stimulate participants and accommodate the vibes for the event. I create encounters that appeal to the senses and sensibilities to inspire personal and collective transcendence during My Events and beyond. Friendships and community are just a few, real benefits of attending My Events.

It is My experience that kinksters are lazy and have a “do-me” attitude while offering very little-to-nothing for Me to enjoy. While they are crazed with the quest for their orgasm, they usually lack manners and any sense of civility, too. (This is why I have strict Rules for My Events and a detailed, screening process before allowing anyone to attend them.) Once kinksters have achieved “nut-bust,” they have nothing else and no interest in having anything to offer. I say kinksters are lazy because while they want the thrills of Fetish, they fail to offer basic respect to those who create the opportunities for those thrills to exist in the first place! People who insist that they don’t have to honor the Protocols that are important to you are not worthy of you. When the focus is on a “quick release,” there is a lack of attention to the details that make life and Fetish special.

A sure way to tell the difference between a Fetishist and a kinkster is by their approach to you. A Fetishist will take her/his time to engage and inspire a desire for communication with them. A kinkster basically approaches you as if you’re desperate for attention and should be thrilled that they sent you a message without even a “hello,” didn’t address you by name, and expect you to decipher texting abbreviations. When you reject them, their behavior reminds you why birth control should be free. There is no care for you as a person, there is only “the search for the squirt…” While it may be some people’s thrill to be treated like crap, I call that abuse, not Fetish.

Then, there’s abuse. Abuse takes many forms: emotional, physical, verbal, financial, racial, gender, resources (people are hungry, sick, and hopeless due to an abuse of resources and access to them), and so much more. Quite often, people can even love you in an abusive way! Abuse, while being a sign of a lack of self-love, is a direct violation against your right to exist in a healthy and happy way. While 50 Shades foolishness has every self-loather – from the frigid, so-called feminists to the Bible-thumpers who need to make others wrong from a place of complete ignorance – in a tizzy, insisting that The Scene is about abuse, be aware that their entire agenda is abusive to every and anyone who does not subjugate to their vicious rules. Again, Fetish is about respect, everything else is something else.  (See How To Handle Lizard-brain Thinking Attacks)

NOTE: It is easy to fall into an abusive situation. No matter what people who insist that it would never happen to them think, there is a level of caring that can suck you into some crazy stuff before you know it! DO NOT MAKE YOURSELF WRONG FOR CARING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS EMOTIONALLY DEFICIENT TO ABUSE YOUR LOVE. And, love yourself more for acknowledging abuse, for choosing better, and for loving yourself enough to let the abuser go. It takes a lot of courage to leave an abusive situation, but it also takes extreme courage to face yourself and what allowed you to get stuck in the first place. By forgiving yourself and releasing the offender, you evolve into your Greatness. Anyone who makes you wrong for your experience is not worthy of your further attention. Cut them off like a gangrened appendage.

Fetish excites first from the intellect, then it travels through all parts of your body and mind to ignite the spark of your spirit! Kink stops at “moist” – and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, if that’s what you want. Issues occur when people are not honest and clear (See Rules For Clear Communication).

To determine the difference between Fetish and kink, ask yourself these questions:

  • In this moment, how do you feel about your past, your present, and your future with this person/on this path? If you feel less than fabulous, the experience is not Fetish. It may not be kink, either. There is a difference between testing your boundaries and being subjected to discomforts that are out of your safety zone.
  • Do you feel like someone is trying to “get over” on someone else? If you have that weird sensation of the fear of being taken advantage of, that is not Fetish and may also not be kink. Of course, this is for the person who is not attempting to manipulate the situation…
  • Do you feel like the experience will honor who you are as a Fetishist? And/or do you feel it will honor your own kink zone? The key is to feel respected in your choices for yourself first and foremost.

To summarize, Fetish is loving respect for yourself in the moment toward your future while kink is a momentary quest for sexual gratification. Ask yourself what you really want and be honest.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

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Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

AskMistressDidi.com

Beautiful Fetish, Excellence & Ego

©Mss Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

April 10, 2015

I’m often accused of lying, being egotistical, having ulterior motives, and everything else that people who do nothing whine in attempts to belittle those of Us who create. I realize that the “do-nothings” desire to destroy the value and control the creations of the talented and worthy by attacking Our characters. And if that doesn’t work, some wicked, creeple even try to attack Our creations.  Ayn Rand was right about what to do with these people in ATLAS SHRUGGED (through the tedium of the storyline)… What I’ve written below is presented in the form of the proverbial, “you” and while not directed at one specific person, it applies to far too many.


The truth is that whenever you are intimidated by people’s accomplishments, you are showing your lack of faith in your own ability and worth. Shouting about My Ego and accusing Me of bragging does not mask your inferiority complex.

It’s not bragging if it’s true. ~ Mohammed Ali

If you don’t experience or create anything beautiful in your fetish pursuits, you refuse to believe that others have Beautiful Fetish.

Beautiful Fetish is not about the “tip of the drip” motivation; it’s about the total, sensory and sensual experience that transcends mere physical awareness. Beautiful Fetish is a connection of mind, body and spirit through skill and artistic technique. When you are purely motivated by an orgasm, you limit not only your focus, but your entire opportunity for something better than “bustin’ a nut” and you seldom experience the brilliance of after care. You get what you give.

In My reality, Play is between as many consenting people who agree to participate and is not limited only to something sexy – which makes it more about kink and less about Art and Excellence.

When there is Excellence, 2 things occur:

  • those who recognize and appreciate their own Excellence are inspired and experience ecstasy; and/or
  • those who recognize that they have not developed their own Excellence experience jealousy. This type of lizard-brain thinking always points fingers at the Excellent with the intention of making them wrong for BEING Excellent, so the accuser can attempt to avoid taking responsibility for where he falls short, fails in his own life, and his feelings of inadequacy.

Ego has 2 sides which are a mask and a mirror:

  • Ego, as experienced by lizard-brain thinking, is used to mask one’s insecurities. It is the statement: i am not worthy so neither is anyone else; and
  • Ego as a mirror, experienced by those who strive for and resonate with Excellence, reflects talent, skill, and dedication to One’s Art. It is the statement: I choose to live, experience, and be My Best!

Also in My Reality, people confuse being a bottom for being submissive and look only for sex-focused Play. Many also confuse their realities for the only reality that exists in the D/s world and cannot relate to experiences and realms that are more “dynamic” than theirs – they think We’re lying because they’re lying.

I give FREE, how-to examples on My Websites of a few of My PleasurePain™ Techniques that I’ve developed through My studies, practice, and degrees in a variety of Arts & Sciences. With the exception of requiring your email (anti-spam measure) to download My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide, all of My other resources on My Websites are FREE, too. See My Bio.

I offer Excellence for FREE because I want more people to experience Fetish as Therapeutic Art the way that I and the people who enjoy My Domain in person do. In this way, I contribute to dispelling 50 Shades of Foolishness with Excellence.

One of My Fetishes is Gift Giving, which often affords My Pearls to be cast before swine. As Antonio Porchia said:

I know what I have given you; I do not know what you received.

When you know the quality of your Fetish and offer it to those who can appreciate it, that’s Excellence, not ego, arrogance or anything other than recognizing and appreciating your worth and contribution to BetterFetish™. The cultivation of quality deserves quality, and quality’s light cannot be dimmed by h8ters.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmssdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.