Tag Archives: Self-Control

How To Handle Lizard-Brain Thinking Attacks

December 29, 2012

The following is a Domina101™Lesson that I offered while being attacked by “gruesome” for creating a post in an online forum where they congregate en masse:

lizard (Photo credit: sodaro,k)

Consider Water. When water is in a container where there is no flow of new water or anything else, the longer it remains in a state of stagnation, it putrefies and becomes distasteful and toxic to the point of deterioration that eventually taints/destroys the container that holds it – think slime.

When water has a consistent flow, it is refreshed with nutrients, life force energy, and “goes new places” to nourish and become part of larger bodies of water in the symbiotic process of Nature.

There are 2 types of people: those who see the “glass as half-empty” and focus on repression (stagnation); seeking everywhere to find fault to be insulted; spending their lives fearing new/unfamiliar concepts and resisting possibilities – especially for change & evolution – because they believe that “they” themselves will be invalidated – usually because they have misplaced “values” that originate from and perpetuate self-loathing -> putrefaction (slime). This “fight” impulse comes from “lizard-brain thinking,” – primitive, survival mode. they have a “poverty consciousness” in mind, emotions and spirit.

Then, there are people who see the “glass as half-full” and focus on abundance and expansion; who choose to be inspired to create and share; who seek knowledge and conversation (vs. argument); who have a healthy sense of self that is not defined by acquisitions or definitions by others; and who are continually on a path of self-improvement in order to expand the Joys of Living. They have a “prosperity consciousness” in mind, emotions, spirit and body.

Water seeks its own level. There’s an expression: There is only fear or love. FEAR = False Experiences Appearing Real. Lizard-brain thinking exists in a perpetual state of fear: primarily a fear of inadequacy – not being “good enough” (self-worth based on external influences) vs. accepting and permitting a constant level of personal growth via possibilities. Lizard-brain thinking fosters cowardice because it gives permission to (i) block self-reflection to avoid facing beliefs (real or imagined) in one’s inadequacies and (ii) remain in stagnation which usually leads to a vicious cycle of devolution. Lizard-brain thinking instigates that another person’s actions and intentions come from the lower-level, nefarious intentions of what lizard-brain thinking would do if ever in the same situation – which is seldom ever the case because lizard-brain thinking:

does not create, share, communicate, cooperate;

is ALWAYS reactive rather than responsive because it perceives everything as a threat;

seeks to destroy, hoard, belittle (slime) everything and everyone in order to believe in the illusion of its value in its stagnation;

operates from a belief that everyone and everything is trying to scam, steal, defraud, etc. because that is how lizard-brain thinking worships its god of money;

takes everything personally, as if all things in the world revolve around and care about its particular existence, and takes offense whether acknowledged or ignored;

dictates ignorance-based fantasies onto others’ realities rather than asking questions before jumping to conclusions;

ALWAYS seeks ONLY to support its limitations -even to picking words from a sentence and ignoring entire paragraphs to insist on “being right” from a place of ignorance and inexperience (and NEVER uses a dictionary or thesaurus to consider misunderstanding anything);

ALWAYS confuses Dominance and any expression of sense-of-self for bullying/being bullied (playing the “victim game”);

ALWAYS seeks an enemy (without exercising awareness to realize it is its own worst enemy) in order to feed on negativity. It rarely, if ever, recognizes that the amount of insults and denigration it expresses are a direct reflection of its amount of self-loathing; and

operates from a confused model of “power over” which prompts insistence that others are trying to invade/control its zone rather than learning that Self-Control (and the lack thereof) is the only real control there is.

EVERY time I share what I love, I am attacked by lizard-brain thinking. Even when I point out what is written on My Website (where ALL of the info I share is FREE) that the “paid” version of My eBook is to raise funds for My charities (and payment has been disabled for more than a year & the reason for this is also on My Website) ~ as have been the proceeds from the vast majority of events that I’ve produced ~ lizard-brain thinking seeks to play the “make-wrong game” because that’s how it is able to conjure a sense of value in its stagnant limitations.

My choice for living My Life is to believe that “My Cup runneth over” and I choose to find value from experiences. I choose Flow and make use of lizard-brain thinking attacks because:

those who are on My level of consciousness and life choices will actually read what is on the same pages of My website (and My profile) to discover what lizard-brain thinking refuses to acknowledge; and

lizard-brain thinking generates and feeds on negativity to maintain its toxic, comfort zone. Misery loves company.

So, the BEST thing that comes from EVERY lizard-brain thinking attack directed towards Me is that they serve for people I care to associate with to connect with Me, and for those I have no interest in to congregate with others in lizard-brain thinking away from My Domain. It’s a Win-Win – but lizard-brain thinking only perceives a Win if it creates a belief with all its might that someone loses. Watch what happens now…

Again, Water seeks its own level. I am seldom astonished by how many supportive, private messages I receive from people who don’t want to weather lizard-brain thinking attacks EVERY time I post to share – this time is no exception… in any way. I am not religious but, because I choose to flow in possibility and am responsible for My Own Life Choices, I find value in philosophies from a variety of sources:

Again, lizard-brain thinking chooses to perceive threats and, therefore, cannot appreciate pearls. I am not trapped in lizard-brain thinking and I have no fear of sharing My experiences with others. I KNOW that I never lose anything by sharing; that sharing is ALWAYS an opportunity to receive love. So, when I see a forum that states its purpose is for sharing and supporting the “community,” I share what I have and appreciate that others share what they have. If I don’t find value in something offered, I accept responsibility for My own thoughts and actions and do not invalidate the fact that someone else may find value from it.

It is My choice to evolve past MY negative reactions that may arise because, in reality, they serve ME to show where I have an opportunity to evolve My consciousness. I love Myself and so I brave this process! I discipline Myself to reject the entrapment of lizard-brain thinking’s cowardice. I honor Personal Responsibility.

Paraphrasing Romans 12:2 – New International Version 1984: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what … good, pleasing and perfect…”

It is an individual’s choice for how he perceives in order to be able to receive anything. One cannot receive with a closed fist or a closed mind. You know the adage, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. The bottom line is “How are YOU enjoying life?” I understand that the fact that I AM living My dream, My way , and inviting cool people to join Me is very scary to lizard-brain thinking’s choice of fear over love. Whether this choice is conscious or unconscious is evident in how you’re living in mind, body, spirit, and in love – or in its lack thereof. I am grateful that I have done and continue to do the work to be soooo much more fortunate than those who choose entrapment in lizard-brain thinking. It is scary, but the rewards are worth it.

One of the best rewards is the ever-increasing strength against “the ugly” that results from behaviors designed to mask self-loathing – which I let roll like water off of a duck’s back because I take pity on the perils of lizard-brain entrapment.

“Compassion brings peace of mind and with it better health; so cherish compassion.” Tweet by His Holiness The Dalai Lama 12/25/12

Here’s to evolution! By the way, what I’ve just shared is another FREE lesson from My Domain that I teach in workshops and via My FREE blogs. Responding to you gave Me the opportunity to present a new blog post for ALL the people on My mailing list and who follow Me via social media – which is MY purpose for MY mailing list! I sincerely thank you for being a part of this sharing! Another Win-Win! Happy & Prosperous Mind-Body-Spirit New Year!

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

Video: Seth Godin: Quieting The Lizard Brain

How to By-Pass Your Reptilian Brain and Restore Your Creative Power

The Secrets of Happy Fetish

December 10, 2014

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

I am curious to know if its bad that I keep the BDSM thing strictly to the bedroom. Can you please explain how it works as an everyday lifestyle thing? How does one live the lifestyle without it being an abusive relationship?

Kind Regards, L.

~~~~~~~~~

Hi L,

I am waiting for My morning coffee to kick in, so please read this with a splash of humor, as I intended it.

The answer is NO, I cannot explain the answers to your questions because your questions are like: What is the purpose of Life? and What is the meaning of the Universe! Any answers to such questions will be subjective – just like the concepts of what is right and wrong for your relationship would be.

What I can offer is:

The Secrets of Happy Fetish

ALL things originate and end with SELF-Control: What you will and will not do/accept/reject, etc. are up to you to choose for yourself.

SELF-Love and Respect are integral parts of Self-Control because all CHOICES We make – whether We acknowledge that they are Our choices or not – are in direct correlation to how much We love and respect Ourselves.

Personal Responsibility is the Truth of All Matters. Everything else is One’s perspective (usually based upon what We avoid facing about Ourselves).

I know, tough concepts. But really think about them and observe the evolution of your perspectives as you consider them in relation to your past and present experiences. Then, you will notice how these concepts apply in your future. This is a continuously evolving process as Our consciousness grows. It is a very powerful tool for creating Happiness.

Now, as for keeping BDSM in the bedroom, that is completely your CHOICE. If you choose to expand from kink to Lifestyle Experience, that, too, is your CHOICE – which includes how you will DESIGN your relationship(s) with the people you CHOOSE to have in your life. You are the creator of how BDSM and Dominance/submission – and EVERYTHING ELSE – will be in your life.

When you operate with Self-Love and Respect with Self-Control, you take Personal Responsibility for your Life Choices. This does not excuse the “creepazoid factor” – it means that instead of blaming yourself, everything, and everyone else for your experiences, you choose to learn from them and forgive yourself and others so that you can move on to freely create your Happiness.

Abuse is an agreement. Yes, that’s also a tough thought to consider, but all effective therapies that actually help people to heal from abusive relationships involve the 3 steps I listed above and usually begin with taking Personal Responsibility for being in the relationship. It is important to note that Personal Responsibility should not be about making yourself or others wrong. Personal Responsibility IS about allowing the experience to be part of your process of evolution. Forgiveness is a huge part of that process because We must give up Our attachments to belief systems that do not support Our Happiness (the could-would-should’s).

Do understand that My Domain is uniquely Mine and that I advocate on a continuous basis that everyone is responsible for designing their Lifestyles on their terms. Having said that, here’s how I work D/s and BDSM in My Life:

1) One of My tenets is, “From each according to his ability, to each according to My Desires” (a little Play on Marx and Engels). So, each person who AGREES to My Terms to be allowed the enjoyments of My Domain offers unique qualities for My Happiness – or they are dismissed. End of discussion.

2) I am a Harmonious Domme, meaning that all that drama-not-on-Broadway is not for Me. I like peace and beauty and lots of joyful amusements! My PleasurePain™ Techniques are rewards for good and proper service. My punishments are withholdings of pleasure (to put it very simply).

3) While I am open to suggestions, it’s ultimately My way or not at all. If anyone discovers that they do not wish to comply, they are free to go. I will wish them well. Next!

4) The VAST majority of My submissives and admirers are NOT sexual in nature (and the lucky few have cultivated the magnificence that makes them worthy!). Since most people sleaze around in the kink-mentality and call what they’re doing, “fetish,” they are too limited to comprehend the tremendous value that exists in higher-level living. I offer a LOT of FREE Mentoring; the worthy do the work. I have no concern for the rest.

5) Which brings Me to: I take excellent care of Myself and I want what I offer. I deserve THE BEST. I do not accept anyone who identifies with being a “lowly” anything; been there, done that, it was boring. I want people who are interested in BEING the Best they can be on a regular, evolving basis. This makes My Domain difficult for fakers-takers-shakers-noise-makers and a True Paradise for the worthy.

How I Implement The Secrets of Happy Fetish

1) I look at each individual as an adventure and an opportunity to be an amazing chapter in My Life Story. How they show up is their choice.

2) I stay true to My Self. I know what I want and choose for My Domain. I have learned – and continue to learn (without judging MySelf) – that whenever I think I’m being kind and deviate from what I want and from following My instincts, “turdity” will occur! I have committed to no longer taking pity on people. As I stated, I want what I offer and I deserve The Best. I choose not to accept the pitiful into My Domain because they never want to elevate their consciousness to being their bests; they always, only want to bring you down. Giant yawn…

3) When people disappoint Me, I FORGIVE Myself first and foremost because in doing so, I give Myself the opportunity to learn about Myself and My Journey to enhance My Happiness.

a) While I recognize “turditude,” I follow Don Miguel Ruiz’s advice in THE FOUR AGREEMENTS and I don’t take it personally because I understand that people act out against their truths and project that onto you because they are afraid to face their own, ugly realities. This is not an easy practice, but it is always worth the effort!

b) This practice also keeps Me forever positive and feeling – and looking – fabulous! You know what they say: Looking good is the best revenge… Fortunately for all The Universe, I don’t do revenge; I Trust Karma. Karma never lets you down.

If you’re looking for “how to” do your fetish, I advise you to do a LOT of research and consider the source carefully. As I’m sure you’re aware, the majority of creeple you’ll find on popular websites are just takers-fakers-shakers-noise-makers who mostly blab to convince themselves of their fantasies and offer nothing of value.

You can take advantage of all of My Complimentary Gifts on My Websites and, if what I believe resonates with your Truth, you can choose to indulge in My Webcam Workshops.

Wishing you All The Best!

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Rules For Clear Communication

August 13, 2014

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

I want You to know that I completely disagree with [NAME WITHHELD] and I did not feel like You were trying to tell me how to be a “real Domme.” I have been thinking about Our conversation and I now see what You pointed out as “possibilities” to be true! The sub was topping from the bottom and he did hear what he wanted to hear when he wanted to hear it. It became clear that he was playing me! I was explaining [what You said] to my Domme friends and request that You please say it again to make sure that we get it right. Thank You!

Miss ShaR

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Miss ShaR,

First, I thank You for receiving My observations as possibilities and for not feeling threatened by fantasies that My intention is to dictate anything to You or that My way is the “one twue wayyy” of Dominance – like the h8ters accuse. Clearly, h8ters never realize that using that concept is a cop-out for their own feelings of ineptitude and their inability to receive or perceive beyond their limitations.

I offered what I observed as a possibility from My own personal experience; that I could be wrong; and that the possibility could be something to consider. I noticed that You repeated Yourself more than twice to the sub, who was busy being interested in what he wanted to be interested in at the event instead of doing his job, attending to You. Unless a Domme’s fetish is dealing with people with ADHD-type behaviors or repeating Herself, a sub’s lack of attention is:

Disrespectful to the Domme. What is a submissive’s purpose in Your Domain? To serve You on Your terms as You decide he will serve. If the sub – and especially in public – is not attentive to You, it appears to The Scene that You are at fault in his training – no matter what the real deal is. And that presents a picture for all kinds of annoying situations to think that they can make a home in Your zone because not only are first impressions lasting, but too many creeple are out here looking for any and everything negative to disrupt Your flow – even if they have to make it up;

A sign of a lack of commitment to his service agreement with the Domme. There are whole generations of folks who believe that they can demonstrate the worst behaviors which will inevitably be forgiven and forgotten til the next time – and each and every time. I believe that this is a poor-parenting failure that is perpetrated on a variety of levels. The brat gets away with it at the source of his relationship identity and fully expects the same from You and everyone else on the planet, evidently…; and

Stressful to the Domme and, subsequently (no pun intended) to the sub. While there are tons of creeple addicted to chaos, most of Us don’t want to be stressed – especially in Our Fetish Lives.

In defense of a sub, quite often, communication rules are not clearly defined and mishaps can happen. This is why I present to The Domina101™ Collective:

Rules For Clear Communication

Know What You Want

First and foremost, a Domme needs to (i) know what She wants and (ii) choose the best ways to communicate Her wants. All too often, I see people barking orders and the sub as no clue what is really being requested of him because the Dominant doesn’t really know either! Vague commands yield “non-results” and are a setup for failure all the way around. Most submissives will default to what they already know (training from someone and somewhere else) when they do not have clear directives. It is imperative to know exactly what you want to have a starting point to be able to communicate your desires.

I streamline My conversation to the best of My ability – e.g., carefully choosing explicit words for EXACTLY what I want in order to make it easy for people to understand Me. The problem is that everyone is conditioned to believe that they can magically anticipate what someone wants from what we think they should want based upon our fantasies of their lives. I suggest that You research effective communication techniques for project managers because, after all, You are managing Your Domain. You will develop Your own sense of what works for You, of course, but the more You know, the better things go!

I am also consistent. I clearly define and relay My Rules to everyone, including posting them online, for people who want to participate in My Domain to be personally responsible for adhering to them. I actually have a script so that I tell each person the exact same thing and I have them repeat what My instructions mean in their own words to ensure that misunderstandings are not on My end. Each and every time, culprits attempt to insist that their behavior was in My “best interests” while clearly disrespecting My Rules – which is always merely them enacting their own agenda without consideration for the commitment they made. Their typical next step is to attempt to feign being offended and lashing out against you (i) because their behavior is not excused and (ii) for pointing out their wrong-doing with documented facts.

The Hearing Technique:

Most of the time, people speak at each other and not with each other. To enhance comprehension:

1) Identify and get clear on what You want to say.

2) Choose the simplest, most direct words to communicate what You want.

Further simplify by expressing it as if You were communicating with a 5-year-old. This is not to be condescending (unless that’s part of the Fetish!); it helps you to be certain that you’re being clear

3) Ask the person(s) to repeat back to You in their own words so that YOU can be sure You communicated clearly and were heard; revise as necessary

Often, I will tell the submissive about this process so that it is further enhanced by his own awareness of and focus on the technique. How people show up is what makes it worth Your while to continue with their service to You.

I use this technique in all of My communications with Dominants and submissives alike. It takes a bit of practice – and practice cannot always guarantee perfection. Some people are committed to being disruptive (See How To Handle Disruptors). But these tools will enhance your best efforts.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom