Tag Archives: Domina

The “Attention Game” Fiasco

©Mss Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

UPDATE: As I predicted to My Domina101™ Divas, 1 day after I graciously responded, this idiot not only emailed Me again with unnecessary length to vampire My time and attention, he did not bother to read anything I offered to him.  AND had the audacity to use profanity to “express” himself.

ATTENTION submissives and all others: I offer My Wisdom as a courtesy; it is NOT your right and We are NOT “friends” — if We were, you would know that ALL of My Friends treat Me with the utmost respect, as I treat them.  Respect is to be offered at ALL times, and especially when you want something from Me and have offered Me nothing. 


Good afternoon, Mistress Didi,

I am in relationship with my Mistress, and approximately 4 weeks ago, she told me her true feelings for me, there is nothing I won’t do for her, the only exception being, she introduced her male Dom friend into the mix about 6 weeks ago.   Now in the last week, while my Mistress was away, he has messed with my head, and he now believes I’m owned by her and him, he wants me to be his … little daddy’s girl…. This came about when I spoke to him regarding my Mistress, as I’d not been able to get in contact with her for 10 days, then over 4 days of conversations with him, he has told me, “your Mistress doesn’t want a [relationship with you]… those things he has said to me that have freaked me out…

I accept my Mistress’ authority, and will do anything she asks of me, personally I believe this will change the relationship we have built over the last seven months, and as my Mistress has told me, she doesn’t have limits and expects me not to have any either, I fear I will lose her when I try and discuss it with her.  My circumstances are… {way too much info provided not relevant to the issue — suspected fishing attempt}

Respectfully, j.


Way too much info given to get to the point of what I presume your question actually is:

Q: What to do about this dom trying to take over?


Begins with:

Why were you in communication with him while your Mistress was away and WHY did you not discuss this situation/your discomfort with Her immediately and before contacting Me? ( I gather from your email that this communication with the dom occurred while She has been out of communication with you, but I’m not feeling total honesty here.)

Ends with My answer that will be posted on AskMistressDidi.  I choose to answer you for My purposes to better assist others who are caught up in this same, “lacking mindset”:

your intention is to gain attention.

The “attention game” is ALWAYS useless.  It is completely and only about manipulation of everyone and everything who has glanced in your direction.

you will ONLY:

1) destroy any and everything that is good in your life by disrespecting and disappointing their trust graciously given to you;

2) do everything possible to create a chaotic mess because:

(i) you are addicted to chaos for some sad, form of self-validation; and

(ii) your end-game is to play the victim.

This is a “lacking mindset” because you do not offer anything to grow your relationship with your Mistress; you maintain the environment of neediness, helplessness, uselessness. your purpose is to enhance your Dominant’s life and you can only do this by choosing to take intelligent and respectful action with the goal of creating and being your best.

Now, while I give everyone the opportunity to recognize that We are conditioned from birth to operate from an unconscious agenda, imposed upon Us by Our upbringing, social structures, religious-stuff, etc., I ONLY support you in evolving towards being the best person you can be: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I support your integrity, and that is all.

you had the choice to tell this usurper-dom that you do not feel comfortable communicating with him until your Mistress returns and gives both of you Her permission. That always solves the problem when you are uncertain of your Dominant’s rules. Any Dominant who would have a problem with you taking this action when She has not specifically trained you to do as She desires is lacking as a Dominant – and you should consider any further steps in your relationship with this person. Any other person, Dominant or other, should respect the position you take to respect your Dominant first and foremost – which is the point of being in service to a Dominant.

I give you this: at ALL times, communicate with your Dominant to ensure that your actions are in accordance with your promise and commitment to serve Her/Him.  Secrets ONLY create painful problems that your Karma WILL punish you for – worse than what you believe your Mistress’ punishment could ever actually be.

I strongly advise you to participate in My Superior submissive Webcam Workshop (new dates to be announced very soon) that offers concrete training to ensure that much of the confusion that occurs in the D/s dynamic can be eliminated and your commitment to your submission can be excellent.

To assist you with basic, Fetish Etiquette, I also advise you to download and read My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide, How To Present yourself To A Mistress.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*



If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Why you Don’t & Won’t Have What you Want


Dear Mistress Didi*,

You were unfair to dismiss me…  i tried my best to serve You…  You didn’t give me a chance… [Other whining without acknowledging responsibility omitted.]

‑ “pitty-me” sub

I encourage people, especially Dominants, to pass this on to subs, “wanna-subs,” and others who dare to attempt to guilt You into tolerating their abominable behaviors.


I am consistent for a reason: to maintain the excellence of My Domain on My terms and to thwart whining attempts to top from the bottom and other idiot behaviors by manipulative creatures.  The Rules of My Domain are provided to EVERYONE, listed on My websites, and even listed on The DommeSalon™ site so that there are NO valid reasons nor opportunities for irresponsible, whiny, outrage that you do not have what you want — and you never will — not from Me or anyone of value.

I am unique.  I take the time to be as clear as possible by writing My requirements and making them available to EVERY person who desires to be a part of My Domain and I also make My Rules publicly available.  VERY few Dominants do this – why they don’t baffles Me when the practice cuts down on the fakers, shakers, and annoyance makers.  The process I use for My Rules is consistent with how I run My Domain and My businesses.  I seldom, if ever, deviate from this process because it is the deal-breaker when people want to “work their idiocy.”

When your intention is to use a situation to accommodate who you think you are without respect for the situation, you deny the opportunity for growth of any kind and you will always end up being deficient from the same pattern of behavior as demonstrated by your failure in My Domain:

1)  you psyche yourself into believing you are worthy of a situation that thrills you – that you do NOT have in your life, but which you DO want.  Many people see a BDSM movie and, just because they think they are amused by identifyng with a Dominant or get a stirring in their loins from thoughts of being a submissive, they believe that they ARE already this fantasy as a reality. Foolishly, because you know that you’re full of XXXX, you want to believe that I am – though I repeat Myself when I tell everyone that this world and way of being is My REALITY AND MY LIFESTYLE.

I often encounter this scenario with newbie Dominants who, after seeking My counsel and tutelage, get carried away and think they can tell ME how to be a Domme…  What’s worse are the ones who forget their manners and dare to think they can dick-tate the terms of Our relationship to Me (see Confusing Dominance For Bullying).

2)  you RECEIVE AND AGREE to My Rules, which I email to you prior to permitting you to connect with Me for service and you say anything to get moving on your scheme of crazy thinking that I will acquiesce to the ridiculous standards that you are accustomed to with the silly females (and males) in your life.

What always amazes Me is how any of you can think that you are so “special” that I will suddenly NOT maintain the Domain I’ve built and have sustained for the greater part of My life because you popped up wanting the same thing I’ve heard for many years and continue to hear day in and day out.  None of you are ever original; same stupidity, different moron.

REMEMBER:  you want What I Have and Who I Am because on your deepest level, you know that the value given to you by the silly females/males in your realm is FALSE.   you need Me and Mine to desperately try to convince yourself otherwise.   you should be grateful to these silly people and treat them better.  Their delusional love for and about you may be all you have to get you through your life.  While less than what you want and deserve, at least, be worthy of them.

3)  you LIE and attempt to cheat by not honoring your agreement/following instructions and try to shirk your responsibility in all aspects of the scenario.  Worse, you dare to pull a “brat attack.”  I do not see how anyone with an iota of intelligence can think that I will be guilty for NOT accepting your choice to be inferior.

4)  Soon, you realize that you’ve dug your own grave because, again, I HAVE WHAT you WANT, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  I graciously gave you the chance to step up and show up to be worthy of what you want and you failed.  That recognition of your reality is going to eat at you for an eternity.  Why?  Because:

  • you maintain delusions of believing you are greater than you will ever be because you do NO work to be better;
  • you will always be inferior because you are lazy and ludicrous; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and, therefore, will fail in your goals by either doing a half-azzed job which will result in ineptitude or by not realizing them at all.  you will remain a loser.

5)  When you fail in your pathetic tirade to Me, you run to any and every loser who will gobble your maligning tales against Me like the toxic, gluttons they are.  you will then foolishly believe that you found your niche and a “community” where you can live out your fantasies. The only thing you will find are others who mirror your inadequacies.  your reputation will become known by Quality Fetishists and humans, who will shun you.  The more you associate with slime, the faster your lack of value will be noticeable by those who actually have what you desire.

Think of it this way:  puss starts small and expands –> gangrene –> amputation –> discard of the useless appendage –> beauty marred and functionality impaired –> life sux more and is harder.  

IMPORTANT NOTE:  This analogy is meant to connect a personality defect to the physical level for better conceptual comprehension.  If you are a soldier who lost a limb(s) honorably, NO ONE OF VALUE will consider you less beautiful and definitely not less functional because soldiers are miraculous people who CAN do anything.  Remove your greatness from anyone who does not appreciate you.  This is why it is so important for Us to SUPPORT OUR TROOPS, VOTE FOR Veteran Benefits, and pay attention to who/which pundits do not (always the same creatures who want to send everyone else’s children to war).

While there are a lot like you, there is only one Me.  you will quickly be replaced by those who are always waiting in line to serve Me and those who follow The Rules are always granted sanctuary in My Domain.  Those who enact the mediocre behaviors that define you will join you in the world of sleaze, greed, and irresponsible dangers parading as fetishists in the world today.


  • you are delusional in your views of yourself and when given the opportunity to indulge in what someone else created that you want, you refuse to do any work to be worthy of it;
  • you lack respect for what you want and those who have created it and you lie, cheat, and attempt to defame when you fail; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and you will remain a pathetic loser.

AGAIN, I advise you to download and read My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide, How To Present yourself To A Mistress.

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
Mss Didi*


If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom




Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

How To Move Forward & Strengthen From Crappy Relationships

Special Valentine’s Day Consciousness Preparation

While new INTENTIONS were made with all those resolutions, this New Year the focus is on your commitment to following through. In other words, what are you truly committed to?  That WILL be your result.  

The pressures of Valentine’s Day ARE real and torturing so many people whether they’re in relationships or not.  Maybe that’s why My inbox has been inundated with requests for advice relating to bad relationship endings and obvious needs for endings.  So, this post addresses How To Move Forward and Strengthen From Unhappy Relationships.  Trust Me; I am not only speaking from expertise as a Behavioral Therapy Life Coach, I’m speaking from Personal Experience.


Dear Everyone,

Here’s what I will share with you to strengthen the validity of the advice I’m giving in this post: I am a “Love Adventurer!  I NEVER give up on Love and I thank every being in My Life who has been of value by showing Me how I was not loving Myself by being in a relationship with them.  I use the term, “relationship” to mean everything from romantic to business to casual associations.  I have been friends with, dated, and been in serious relationships with some “doozies” and the experiences of them in My Life will make a great Sci-Fi story!

I know not to throw away the good that people have offered to My Life because of the negatives they’ve been dismissed for.  Otherwise, I lose the experience I gained from them having any value in My Life and that diminishes the quality of MY Life experience: past, present, and future.  I’m always saying, “make them useful.”  The politically-correct version of that same concept is to find the value to appreciate in each person.  Here’s how:

The Secret to any and every relationship ending – whether it’s a love relationship, a job, an attachment to a favorite sweater – is your perspective.

You shall be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
– Romans 12:2, The Bible

Whenever We have a crappy break-up, We feel torn down.  Due to Our “conditioning” (social, religious, political, etc.), We go into “suffer mode.”  This is a tool of lizard-brain thinking that sets Us up to whine, which creates a cesspool of chemicals in Our bodies that dis-empower Us and set Us up for failure, self-abuse, and constant negativity for the lizard-brains to feed on.  For example, you’re heart-broken and moping around, the gossip ensues and fuels your humiliation (self-abuse), you become reactive and then have regrets with wishing you coulda-woulda-shoulda, and the toxic experience drags you further down into the vortex of negativity. (See How To Deal With Relationship Gossip)

NOTE: It doesn’t matter if you believe in “energy” or not; there is scientific evidence that supports the effects of thoughts and emotions (how We interpret energy) on Our physical bodies/health.  Some people even invite disease into their lives from maintaining poisonous perspectives – and poisonous habits.

This process WORKS.  As with all things, you have to work it.

The following behavioral modification process is also a Training Technique for successful D/s experiences.

1.  Be AWARE of your thoughts.  Awareness is the key to change and to success.  Notice where you feel tension in your body when you think such thoughts.  Pay attention to (1) what triggered those thoughts, (2) your train of thoughts, and (3) the responses in your body.  The more you are aware of the dynamics of your process, the more you will be able to identify what triggers your feelings, habits, actions, etc.  Becoming aware of your mind-body connection is the most important aspect in identifying and enhancing your ability for self-control.  No matter what the circumstances are, being aware of what holds you prisoner to misery will shift you from stagnation and going nowhere to opportunities to create “better” in your life.

It is very important that when you become aware of a (thought) feeling, that you “have your feelings” – which means to honor that you feel that way.  However, have your feelings, don’t be ruled by them.  Feelings can be irrational motivators for behaviors you will regret when you do not consciously choose what you want to create.

VERY IMPORTANT TOOL: To disrupt a toxic habit, thought, etc., use The Tapping Solution in conjunction with Steps 3 and 4 below.

2. Stop playing “the blame game.”  Placing blame on others or yourself only creates stagnation and further decline into unhappiness because you place judgment on the situation.  Reality is subjective.
It (the situation) is what it is, period.  Your perspective – a.k.a., conscious choice of beliefs – creates “your reality.”  A perfect example of this concept is how a group of people can witness the same event and each one will have a different description of what happened.

So, while you’re feeling abused, experiencing guilt, berating yourself, detesting someone, it does not serve you to dwell on WHY things happened.  WHY is a useless question that supports the blame game and no matter how much you contemplate the WHYs of a situation, it will get you nowhere (stagnation).  You can never know why someone did something because many times, there’s a good chance that the person doesn’t know why himself due to his own lack of awareness and the fact that people lie to avoid personal responsibility.  And, logically, how will knowing WHY change anything?  You will still need to do whatever is best for you to learn from the experience and move forward in your life.  Insisting on needing to know why is just a trick to convince yourself to avoid your own, personal responsibility to let go of your attachment to coulda-woulda-shoulda.  You have the opportunity to be greater than you have ever been before by stepping up your personal responsibility instead of falling down into despair.

If you find yourself stuck in playing the make-wrong game, chances are that you are defining yourself as a victim and that never leads to any good.  No one can break your heart without your permission.  While the experience of giving your trust to someone who does not appreciate it – and who may even abuse it – totally sux, it is your attachment to how you wanted them to receive your trust (love, care, etc.) that hurts you more than they ever could.  In other words: how you wanted the situation/person to be instead of accepting what was available to you in truth is what causes you the greatest pain.  Contemplating what coulda-woulda-shoulda been is a disservice because, in reality, it could not have been any other way than the way that it was because everyone (including you) and everything was only able to be and do what they were in the moment.  Remember: it is what it is and your interpretation is what frees you to a greater self-love or imprisons you in self-defeat.

ToolsForgiveness; Keeping Cool With Karma

NOTE:  Understand that Forgiveness does NOT mean that you should forget; it means to (1) let go of your decision to be “bent out of shape” about the situation and (2) choose to learn how to Be Better from having had the experience.  If you forget, you may create opportunities to have to learn the same lesson again… and again.  The major part of all lessons is changing your relationship with yourself in relation to the experience.  In other words, who and how do you want to be: a winner who is empowered in your life? or someone who focuses on loss = loser.

3.  Define your goals; what do you want?  All too often, people are taught and maintain the practice of focusing on the negatives.   In other words, they answer the question with what they don’t want – which does not state what you do want.  Focusing on the negatives conjures up sensations and subconscious attention on what’s lacking, including a lack of personal power.  And focusing on negatives usually does not help to reveal what you do want.  Also, focusing on negatives invokes fear and you attract what you fear because what you focus on expands.  Only when you are clear about what you want can you create it.

Tools: Domina101™ Workshop Preparation; Feel Good & Empowered: Practice Gratitude because when your mind is in a positivity space, you create empowered action.  See also Positive Thinking Doesn’t Work?

4.  Create a new trigger to conjure empowering thoughts to take empowering action.  The point of creating new triggers is to take control of your automatic response system via your awareness and conscious choice.  There is a wonderful NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) technique called “anchoring” that creates a “resourceful state” by conditioning a physical action to achieve the desired state.  In other words, when you become aware of defeating thoughts and actions, you can immediately change your state: how you feel, think, behave, etc.  Anchoring is, literally, cultivating the ability to snap out of it and be proactive!

Here is an excellent tutorial on creating and activating anchors.  Use anchoring in conjunction with The Tapping Solution.

More Tools: Tips To Remember Your Value to easily identify empowering, personal triggers to anchor your desired states.


Are you experiencing resistance to what I’ve presented above?  Take this opportunity to practice awareness and notice your thoughts and what you’re feeling in your body.  Is your chest tight? jaw clamped? face pinched up? breathing shallow? throat locked?  Just observe without judging yourself.  Now, breathe into the restriction in your body and exhale with a relaxing and releasing sigh.  OWN that release and anchor it.

As Tony Shaloub as MONK would say, “Here is the thing:”

You have to want to move on.  Yes, it’s scary, but FEAR = False Experiences Appearing Real.  Yes, you will love again (unless you choose to be a coward and constipate your emotions and experiences).  And maybe you will have another heartbreak (from having expectations, but that’s another topic).  However, what are your alternatives?  To be a whiny, self-defeating, bore who will inevitably attract another person to disappoint and devalue you because you’re doing exactly that to yourself?

(Of course, there are too many people who define themselves by misery, trauma, and anything and everything negative and defeating.  While misery loves company, even other miserable people seek to get away and stay away from these folks.)

The choice is yours.  I always ask Myself: what do I want to say about My Life at the end of My Life?  I want to say, “That was fantastic!”  And I always ask Myself – especially when crappy situations occur – what do I want to feel about My Life right now?  I want to feel, “What an adventure of Being Better than I’ve ever been before!”  A Fantastic Life is created in the process of the journey.   You cannot have a journey if you remain stuck in one place, thought, etc.

The choice is yours.


If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom




Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.