Author Archives: MssDidi

Fakers-Shakers-Takers-Noise-Makers

April 6, 2014

Dear Mistress Didi,

Thank You for the Domina101™ Workshop! I learned a lot more than I thought I would and I see that there is much I didn’t consider. I feel much more confident and I have a much better understanding of how I am Dominant and where to go from here… Would You please elaborate on what “takers-fakers-shakers-noise-makers” are?

Miss K

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Miss K,

I’m delighted that You enjoyed My Domina101™ Workshop and have gained value from it. It is My intention to pass on the wisdom that I’ve learned from experience to as many people as possible for BetterFetish™ ‑ which is sorely needed these days as people confuse Fetish with kink (see Fetish vs. kink).

I devised the term, “fakers-shakers-takers-noise-makers” to refer to “time-wasters” who are part of the confusion of the mainstream’s foray into The Scene. While We want to give people the opportunity to prove their worthiness, knowing the signs of “wasters” prevents acts of vampirism on Our precious energies. As always, I use My own experiences as examples, but anyone who reads this will be able to relate to many examples of these folks in their own lives.

Fakers

Fakers are exactly what they sound like: pretending to be any and everything they claim to be. You will find an enormous amount of fakers on so-called, (anti)social sites of every kind, but especially on “alternative lifestyle” sites. Particularly these days in the 50 Shades of Foolishness era, every moron with a pulse is a “Dominant” or a “submissive” but the translation of those terms for fakers is to be a control freak/bully and/or a “do-me,” sex-seeker (a.k.a., lazy). These folks read fiction, fantasize that they are the characters, and chime in on every forum conversation from the imaginings in their heads – usually to play the make-wrong game with someone whose experience intimidates and reminds them that they’re liars. Since fakers lie, they insist that everyone else is lying, too – especially people (1) who they feel will see through their ruses and (2) who they feel cause them to feel inadequate – which is anyone who disagrees with them and/or doesn’t join in their brand of negativity against others. Fakers usually have sad and boring lives and seldom show up and/or screw up when given the opportunity to have what they claim they desire. Then, they create “horror stories” about You to spread to other fakers to avoid facing how they fail themselves and other people in their real lives.

Resources: Safety Tips For Dommes (and everyone else); Toe in The Water Retreat

Shakers

Shakers are nosy gossips, busy-bodies, disruptors, instigators, and other creeple whose intention is to cause strife, stress and discord. If there’s a he-said-she-said situation, a shaker is at the helm with a bunch of others just like him sucking on the hull of the ship like barnacles. Shakers feed off of negativity and will even disagree with what they actually believe just to get a rise out of you – or anyone they can. Of course, shakers lie. Shakers possess a special type of pathetic insecurity that usually results in self-abuse in the form of attacks on their physical health and appearance. To avoid their own self-loathing, shakers seek to be contrary by nit-picking words and phrases from your conversation and propose them out of context to fight with you in an attempt to play the make-wrong game. This is the favorite way that shakers gather others of their kind to join in the shark attack.

Beware of shakers in your close circles. They pretend to be your friends, wait for you to confide in them at a vulnerable moment, and try to steer you in the direction of the most strife so they can talk about you and indulge in your pain. Their lack of self-love is infinitely greater than their desperate need for attention. What shakers never understand is that there is only one end for them: their behavior creates a reputation that people will have nothing but horrible things to say while talking about them and telling the truth. It’s just a matter of time…

Resources: The 4I’s (& Flopped Friendships); Boring Need For Attention With Criticism Masked As Polite Conversation; False Friends & Allies In Lies

Takers

Takers have one goal: to use and abuse whatever they can get from You without offering anything. A taker is the guy who agrees to Your terms and “somehow,” doesn’t manage to show up to fulfill them. The goal is for You to be understanding of his “issues” and give him more chances – all of which he will fail to fulfill. Another example of a taker is the “Mistress” who smiles in My face – as if I didn’t know how she speaks about Me behind My back – and rushes to take a photo with Me to make herself “look good by association” in her blog (see Fabulous & Guilty By Association). This chic has never contributed to My Charity Works in any way but will contact Me for advice and for help. Perhaps, takers think We’re stupid or suckers. If she ever actually reads anything on My Blog, she will recognize herself and see how she serves Me. As I have written and continue to advise, I make offenders useful to Me – see the Contents of My Gifts*.

Resources: Ask Mss Didi*

Noise-makers

Noise-makers also suffer from a desperate need for attention. They just lie – period. Noise-makers are the broadcast system for h8ters and their intention is to destroy what creators create. They thrive on disharmony and destruction. They are the worst type of gossips and the lowest of the low because they are the mindless fool-tools of fakers, shakers, and takers. Their desperate desire to be accepted by “the cool kids” is the impetus for their poor choices.

My favorite noise-maker of all time is slave-sarah (if I had a penny for every one I’ve encountered with that name…) who, while I was conversing with a few folks at a Play Party (not Mine), walked into the center of the group and, while looking Me in the face, proceeded to tell a story about how horrible “Mistress Didi” was and what a terrible time she had at My recent event. She thoroughly engaged Me, so I asked:

“And what’s your name?”

“I’m slave sarah,” she said, extending her hand to shake Mine. “And You are?”

The look on her face was priceless as I said, “I’m Mistress Didi.” This noise-maker was so embarrassed that she literally turned bright red and ran out of the door, leaving her sweater behind.

The best way to deal with noise-makers is to manipulate their egos to humiliate themselves. Like a shark in a feeding frenzy, once they get started, their venomous slander is addictive like heroin and they spiral out of control. When you’re done using them for sport, thank them for gathering other undesirables onto their bandwagon and away from you. And then, be done. I always remind folks that I discard trash; I don’t entertain it.

Resources: False Friends & Allies In Lies; Manipulation Tactics: Who’s Topping You?; Being Superior: My “How To” Process

People who have a lack of self-love are usually combinations of all of the above. The annoyance of fakers-shakers-takers-noise-makers is that they breed. In this era of internet anonymity, absence of manners and social skills, entitlement issues, trash-called-literature written by a bunch of horny wanna-bes, and kink confused for Fetish, We can expect more idiocy from people who “know it all” while having NO REAL-LIFE experience. And no, kinky sex doesn’t count for Fetish Expression. Such immaturity and lack of personal responsibility endangers The Scene physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually – none of these concepts are relatable to people who are in it just for their kinky kicks.

The bigger annoyance is that fakers-shakers-takers-noise-makers are the slave-labor of unscrupulous websites and promoters that profit from negativity with the intention of drying up The Scene for the sake of profit via the novelty-masses. So, what Fetishist have to contend with are folks who’ve invaded The Scene for the sake of fashion without the respect and passion that makes Us Who We Are As Fetishist. There is no Art with people whose intentions are motivated by the “tip of the drip.”

Since unbridled kink attracts creeps and criminals, I maintain that it is up to the Dominants to instill order via protocols and education as We filter through the rubble. For all of Our protection, it is imperative to know your legal rights and preventive measures for Your safety, as well as for Your sanity.

Resources: Fetish Safety For All: 50 Shades of Foolishness; The Importance of Rituals and Protocols; Domina101™; and Mistress Didi’s Webcam Workshops

Please feel free to link to My Blog posts to help enhance the educations of others and refer them to download My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, Mss Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. Mss Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, Mss Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, Mss Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Permission or Forgiveness?

August 9, 2015

Domina101™ Tip”

“It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.” – Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper

That depends on the type of person you are and who you’re dealing with. Ask yourself:

Do you prefer to TRUST someone to ask your permission to do something you may say no to, or do you prefer to TRUST that someone will apologize (or make amends) for doing something you didn’t want them to do?

Trust, after all, is the main dynamic in the D/s relationship and in all relationships of all kinds.

Before I go further, I offer this for your consideration: When you search that quote and the multitude of egocentric variations that you’ll find, be aware that:

(1) This quote is used for THE most selfish, turd-tards to excuse their offenses; and

(2) It’s stupid to adopt this philosophy because there are scary people out here…

Read on…

One of the most important things a Domme (or anyone) can know to improve Domain Maintenance is whether you are a Forgiveness person or a Permission person. The difference between these two personality characteristics is truly like night and day.

A Permission person, like Me, requires you to ask before doing. While I’ve been accused of being a Type A personality, control-freak (usually by the idiots who thought they were smarter than they are and failed to manipulate Me), I am a thinker and a planner. I intensely dislike wastes of My time. As anyone knows who takes even a glimpse at My Websites can see, I carefully, clearly, and thoroughly detail exactly what I wish to convey. I make things easy for people who are not lazy and careless to succeed with Me.

I really do know what I want and am very specific about exactly how I am and how I want things in My Domain. If an error is made, I accept My responsibility for it. If you make the error without asking My permission, you diminish your value to Me because it takes too much unnecessary work for Me to forgive you for disrespecting My Process. While I make it a point to “do forgiveness,” (you should read this) I don’t guarantee that offenders will not suffer. Just saying.

It’s a mistake when someone decides that they:

(1) are going to do what they want and that I’ll get over it. No, I get over you and dismiss you from My Domain – never to return. Understand that I have banished blood relatives for offending Me, so no one is exempt from this choice.;

(2) know better than I do about what I really want. No, I carefully think, research, and plan accordingly before I express My wishes. I’ll add that, unlike most people, I take into consideration the well-being of others involved in the scenarios and ask them appropriately. So, I intensely dislike people making (usually half-azzed) decisions for Me when they can easily ask Me; and/or

(3) try to play the victim to avoid their responsibility for offending Me. That’s a stupid move that never works – never “play victim” with a Sadist! You won’t like the torture.

A Forgiveness person is usually someone who says, “make it happen,” or “you handle it.” Sometimes, these people have specific rules for you, but if they don’t, they prefer to deal with situations after the fact. Forgiveness people are more easily satisfied with apologies where Permission people may need a lot more convincing that you’re sorry – you will have to prove yourself. Forgiveness people are apt to give you more chances where Permission people, like Me, have very strict limits and We tell you what they are at the beginning of Our relationships. Permission people feel disrespected by your audacity to take matters in Their Domains into your own hands on your terms. It’s never good to offend Us.

It is My experience that Forgiveness people often find themselves feeling taken advantage of because, sadly in this day and age, selfishness and self-absorption are the modus operandi for the majority. Most of the letters I receive for Ask Mss Didi* advice are from Dommes whose trust and kindness have been betrayed.

Equally important, is knowing what type of person you’re dealing with. The Forgiveness submissive may actually be a “brat” who gets off on causing you distress just to gain excusal for his behavior – until the next time, and to see how much further he can go. I find these creatures contemptible. The Permission sub can go overboard by needing your permission for everything, which can be annoying. Permission subs can also struggle with topping from the bottom because they have their own issues with giving permission to others.

While every Domme has Her own way of managing Her Domain, knowing which type of person YOU are will assist your training processes so that you are not drained and disappointed. While We all encounter the “usual suspects” of fakers-takers-shakers-noise-makers, knowing how you operate is a strong tool for maintaining your sanity as well as your Domain. It is easier to design appropriate strategies for peaceful Domain maintenance.

ADDENDUM AUGUST 12, 2015

A Personal Tip

One of My Training Tools — for submissives as well as for My own success — is to regularly review PURPOSE:

What My Purpose for the person is in My Domain;
How the person’s desires fit in with Mine; and
Does the person warrant the amount of training effort I extend.

I often see Dominants “working the whining” game — coddling, fighting, etc., less than compliant behaviors from people claiming to serve Them and, in essence, enabling excuses rather than excellence. This is why (1) establishing clear rules and methods for communication are paramount BEFORE beginning any type of relationship, Fetish or otherwise, and (2) setting boundaries and limits for continuation or dismissal are paramount. While there are many horrors in the world, desperate Dominants are high on My list of what is pathetic. Food for thought…

Which are you: A Permission or Forgiveness Domme? (person?)

Thoughtful Resources:

Respect – How To’s

5 Golden Keys to Assertiveness and Setting Boundaries

How To Accept An Apology – especially #7

Respecting Other People’s Wishes

How to Maintain a Relationship with a Loved One Who’s Hurt You

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

The Martyr Syndrome

May, 2015

This post is in response to a letter about a situation that may “out” the parties involved, which is why I choose to omit it. They know who they are and, hopefully, this article will help them evolve to their true greatness – beyond the limitations of stories they tell.

There is a philosophy that souls are born to learn lessons and that your duty to the Gift of Life is to evolve into being the best you can be on all levels. I subscribe to this philosophy and by practicing Gratitude, Forgiveness, and Checking In With Myself to respond to situations rather than react to them. My ultimate concern is always My Karma.

We live in a world that is contrary to logic and Natural Energy: everything is set up to make you wrong so that someone can be less than their best and exert power over you. From the time that We’re born, society, religious structures, family, and educational institutions teach Us that it’s better to damage people, places, and things than it is to admit that We are wrong. This twisted habit yields selfish creeple who do not apologize, who engage in sabotage, who cast suspicions of their own emotional immaturity and nefarious intentions on others with the insistence that everyone is as treacherous as they are – because if that were not true, they could not be right while doing wrongful things.

People will always look to make others wrong to avoid (1) facing their feelings about themselves, (2) facing their bad behavior and taking personal responsibility for it, (3) making changes, and (4) apologizing for anything — especially for offending you. Many go so far as to offend you and then insist on being offended that you dare to be upset and/or call them on it! Some people become screaming accusers, attempting to defame your character to every- and anyone they can wrangle to listen. This is an epidemic on antisocial sites where trolls and gossips gather to be ugly. Others pick specific people in your circles to plant seeds of their victimhood and the more sympathy they get from the greedy gossips they carefully choose, the more they can be seen as martyrs.

The Martyr Syndrome is a setup to avoid facing one’s true feelings about who you know you really are whenever faced with a discrepancy in who you want to believe you are. Martyrs want to believe that they are generous, kind, and caring and that everyone else is out to take advantage of them. Martyrs appear to be popular because they always create audiences to tell their tales of woe. In truth, they have few friends because they don’t know how to receive the kindness and care that they want to believe they are capable of giving. They suspect everyone else of the avarice within them so they must accuse others before they’re found out and accused.

You can always catch a martyr in high form when they make a mistake. In the panic that they will be perceived as negligent, unprofessional, devious, [insert appropriate adjective here], they invent offenses done to them by the very people their actions have offended. This is a sign of extreme emotional immaturity and, usually, poor upbringing to believe that as long as they can create a feeling of being offended by those whom they have actually offended, they are “pardoned” for their own wrong-doings. Martyrs will go so far as to repeat their “offended stories” so many times that they even suppress all memories of their true behaviors that sparked them to work the syndrome in the first place. Even in the face of proof that they are liars, martyrs will ignore it in this moment, and repeat their lies at the next opportunity they have a captive audience.

The Martyr Syndrome is a sure sign of low self-esteem. Even people who are very accomplished have feelings of failure and martyrs attempt to mask their feelings of unworthiness with the illusion of doing good deeds. This is not to say that amazing people like Mother Theresa was not sincere in her work, but how many Mother Theresa’s do you know compared to people who work the Martyr Syndrome?

Signs of The Martyr Syndrome

The conversations of people with The Martyr Syndrome:

1) Allude to how they generously take care of family, friends, associates – as if these people should be indebted to them, but they would never look for anything in return. This is a setup in martyrs’ minds that they are capable of giving without expecting something in return – the opposite is usually true. In fact, martyrs are usually unable to receive in one way or another;

2) Always regale how they do favors for people who abuse their kindness somehow – especially when money is involved. 2 considerations: (i) While they love money, they don’t want to be seen as greedy and (ii) they believe that “business” associates will be hooked to believe in their integrity by the stories of how their profits and opportunities for prosperity have been thwarted. Martyrs count on the dynamics of their tales of woe so that they will not be questioned or asked for proof of their story’s validity; and

3) Give “martyr performances” in groups and to people they believe will contribute to damaging the reputation of the person they have offended. Not only do they gain pity-party attention, but they can achieve their true goal: to belittle the character of the person they offended to insist to themselves that (i) the person they wronged is not a good person; (ii) they are not at fault for any wrong-doing (real or imagined) and/or they are justified for the wrong-doing and character maligning; and (iii) they “sucker people in” to fortify their false persona of being a “good person.”

How To Handle The Martyr Syndrome

1) Pay attention to the conversation for the elements mentioned above. This is not to say that heinous creeple have not offended folks – anyone reading this has been a victim, even if you are the creep. Once you hear the patterns, be on the lookout for being their next pity-party subject. Martyrs also have a victim-story every time you speak to or about them – whether they’re telling the story or someone else tells a tale when their name comes up in conversation.

2) Put everything – yes, everything – in writing when making arrangements with everyone. This is a good practice to back up what is understood, clarify what is not understood, and prove negligence. Sadly, very few people honor their word.

3) Attempt to communicate (in writing) when they begin their “martyr performance” setup – which is “being offended” by you. Most martyrs prefer to talk about you than to communicate with you. When you have things in writing, you have proof of who is actually the creep should you need it.

4) Forgiveness, Gratitude, Pity & Karma. Utilize these tools because they will save and improve your life on all fronts!

a) Forgiveness is not for the offender; it is for your peace of mind. Being offended is a form of h8tred and like acid, it destroys the vessel that contains it. (For those smart-alec friends, you are not glass!)

b) Make the best use of pity and compassion. Having compassion and pity alleviates your own disappointment and annoyance of having to deal with The Martyr Syndrome. When you consider how sad it must be for a person to be so trapped in a lack of self-love that they have to create a psychotic episode in order to avoid facing their truth, you can also be grateful that you are not suffering with the same affliction.

c) Be grateful that this person showed you who-what-how they are so that you do not make a bigger investment in dealing with them. I usually set up a little “test run” situation to see how people behave when given opportunities and to see if they are worthy of doing important “business” with them.

d) The Law of Karma can (sort-of) be trimmed down to a quick definition of what you do comes back to you multiplied along with The Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do to you). I have also been advised that Karma is how you care for yourself (how your actions in your past affect-your present-affects your future – can you sleep at night?). I always do My best to act in accordance with the highest for My Karma. So, knowing that My actions with someone working The Martyr Syndrome is not about Me at all – it is their reaction and dedication to avoiding facing the truth about their own self-worth – I can forgive, have gratitude for the lesson I’ve learned, and move forward to better choices, better people, and BetterFetish™!

Another note: give yourself plenty of time to “get over yourself” because for all of the awareness you may have about the situation, unresolved anger will most likely surface should the martyr do what-they-do in your future. I’ve found that My best cure for the problem is to avoid dealing with the martyr until I have not only released My anger, but I can completely let the person out of My life with no emotional attachment whatsoever should their commitment to their martyrdom be more important to them than My friendship. I deserve better friends.

If you’re suffering from The Martyr Syndrome, you may find, “How To Overcome The Martyr Syndrome” valuable.

Always MY Pleasure,
Mss Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mss Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of Mss Didi*s Words of Wisdom

Fakers

Shakers

Takers

Noise-makers

Related articles:

Domina101™ Tip”

ADDENDUM AUGUST 12, 2015

A Personal Tip

Which are you: A Permission or Forgiveness Domme? (person?)

Thoughtful Resources:

Related articles:

Signs of The Martyr Syndrome

How To Handle The Martyr Syndrome

Related articles: